Diary of a Mystic

A Mystical Incantation & Revelation of Pure Love

PART ONE

THE COSMIC DANCE WITHIN

(THE COSMIC DANCER)

SHIVA

THE COSMIC DANCER

Pluck not a feather

or an eye lash -

rather pluck

the strings of a guitar,

or of your lovers heart.

Do not surround

your prey, your enemy -

let him go,

let him escape -

so you will be free

of his oppressive tyranny

rather bring a ring

to your lover's finger -

on bended knee

kiss the hand

of the one you love -

go further still -

kiss the feet

feel the love flowing

like laser beams, like electric currents

between the eyes -

ah when soft lips kiss

a million rose petals scatter

a million doves fly

when bodies lie entwined

& energies energized

& magnetically charged

yin & yang ions electrons

bodies drawn together,

united, in mystic union

of passionate love

sweet like dreams

days & nights

tropical, exotic, erotic

sensual pleasure,

ah how wonderful,

how true

how divine

Some of the Karma

Some of the Dharma

Some of the blood

Some of the Soul.

That beyond which

we cannot go.

That which is beyond

All that we can know.

The most splendid visionary gleam.

Do I care?

Am I supposed to care?

What anyone thinks.

No, Love among men

Love among women

Love among men & women

Is love.

There are no races.

We are all human beings

Too close to differentiate.

Too similar to disseminate

Too ripe & plump to dissolve.

Stay lean & waste not -

Time, money, food -

Your Life cherish each moment

the All in each moment...

the moment in each All

each moment in the All

all moments in each

Each all in moments

Like these.

Profusion of fellatios phalluses

Plethora of fusions

Confusions across synapses...

All that I thought true,

Enduring... Gone

In an instant

of Revelation, Enlightenment

All gone and then awake

a glass door knob

of an old wooden door

in front of my eyes,

what else to do now-

Opening it-

Transfusions of Blood!

Iris, Fleur de Lie,

Fleur de Mal, Mary Magdelene

at Jesus' side at the

Last Supper... She & he

creating the Holy Grail

A Child, Offspring -

Animus anima-

the man within

the woman within

Balance between the two,

Is best in Harmony

with Nature

Follow nature, all actions following Nature

are good and produce good.

All action out of sequence

would be better as non action

Harmony of Soul/Mind

with Nature is Best.

THE DOOR! THE WAY!

OPENS ONTO PURPLE MOUNTAINS'

MAJESTY ABOVE THE FRUITED PLAINS.

Enchanted window

Lace curtains like curls adorn your sides

Enchanted window

Calling me to your side

The perfume sweet

& Heavy musk of your body

lilac & lavender... Pink inside

Red Hair & Diamond Eyes

Surrender to Love.

Floral Scents of You.

Qui Qui Ha Ha Ho Ho Ho Hum

Thy smell, sweet sticky

on my fingers.

Now on my mouth

Now mingled with the acrid

Milk of your breasts

Diamond Eyes

My fingers brush your lips

You stare drugged

by Love,

Love has you tongue tied

then guide

my throbbing member

lingam into yoni

into your moist flesh

through which we come

through which we return,

Divine Enchanted Window

Gateway, portal of All

Life, Portal of All Living

That which is Before everything else

Window of Conception

Conceive of the Window (Wisdom)

Issue from the Loins

in Bed you Lie

& I with you entwined

and the miracle felt

sperm meeting egg & we felt it happening

& new life on the way

you and me

But so much more, Infusion

of Light & Wind & Color

Miraculous Lightning Strike

and there you have it.

OYSTER PERPETUAL

PETALS OF A ROSE

THE LABIA (the casbah)

FEMALE GENITALIA

The Sublime Blessed Feminine

The Beginning of REALITY

TOSSING in the night

Feeling Magdelene wondering

wanting beyond want

endless craving beyond desire

the circle of lustful lascivious

Lovers caught in a perpetual wailing wind

& Dante wept.

I am BACK ON TRACK

the mind clickety clack

the door opens

like distant geese quack

we need to cut each other some slack

be thankful for our enemies

for the opportunity they provide us

to develop patience & tolerance.

The Enemy is the necessary

condition to practice these virtues

Shift Perspective, view it from another

vantage point

suffering & hardship

shifting perspectives to view an event

from another light, for example

when in desperate situations,

there is no time to pretend,

you get real honest, real quick.

Pain is Pain... But are you the only one

to have ever felt this pain

TRANSFORM YOUR ATTITUDE

DALAI LAMA: When angry

you view "your enemy" as 100% BAD

you view your friend or loved one

as 100% GOOD -

neither really corresponds with reality...

forgive and forget,

forgive and forget

about anything anyone may have done to you

any harm maybe they did or maybe they didn't

do something wrong to you

it doesn't matter

let it go

or otherwise you are a slave to it

see their pain

the pain inside them

some preexisting condition

or the pain you may have caused

and forgive them

this is the only way to get beyond

to go beyond pain

accept it, forgive them

and move on

Back to the DALAI LAMA

try to see the good in a negative situation

try to see the bad in a positive situation

try to see how adverse situation, circumstances

or relations with people have benefited you,

have been a positive experience or encounter

Number one when you feel deep hatred or anger,

generally there arises in you a feeling of something

you really do care about... Number two that

situation probably made you choose another

situation that was better for you -

therein lies the positive side to adversity.

But beyond this,

an "enemy" or adversity

is the perfect opportunity

to develop loving kindness

and compassion, feeling the others pain.

Revenge is a vicious cycle.

Do you want to carry around

the feeling that you caused pain & suffering?

What good is there in that?

If your enemy is made unhappy through your actions

what is there for you to be joyful about?

Develop Patience & tolerance toward your enemies.

A SUPPLE MIND

See things from different perspectives

The Big World, The Small World

The Horizon Colorful Clouds at Sunset,

to a small flower close at hand.

Shift perspectives.

BASIC BELIEFS OF THE DALAI LAMA

1.)A BELIEF IN THE UNDERLYING GOODNESS

OF ALL HUMAN BEINGS.

2.) A BELIEF IN THE VALUE OF COMPASSION.

3.) A POLICY OF KINDNESS.

4.) A SENSE OF HIS COMMONALITY

WITH ALL LIVING THINGS.

REDUCE BELIEF SYSTEM TO A FEW

FUNDAMENTAL FACTS:

1.)I AM A HUMAN BEING.

2.) I WANT TO BE HAPPY AND

I DON'T WANT TO SUFFER.

3.) OTHER HUMAN BEINGS LIKE MYSELF

ALSO WANT TO BE HAPPY & DON'T WANT TO SUFFER.

Emphasizing the common ground with others

Results in a Feeling of Connection

REDUCING OUR VALUE SYSTEM

TO THE MOST BASIC ELEMENTS-

ALLOWS FOR THE MOST FREEDOM...

& FLEXIBILITY IN DEALING WITH LIFE'S SITUATIONS.

BALANCE

BALANCE, GENTLE, SKILLFUL APPROACH

Taking care to avoid extremes

Important in all aspects of life.

In Planting a sapling,

Too much moisture, too much heat, too much Sun

too much darkness

is to be avoided.

Same is true in our mental & emotional

Health & Well Being.

If we are beginning to feel arrogant

by our sense of achievements or self importance,

the antidote is to think about one's own problems

& sufferings, or the sufferings of others,

Contemplate the unsatisfactory aspects of Existence.

Conversely need to be able to get out

of discouraging feelings, feelings of worthlessness

by uplifting your mind, reflecting on your achievements

and the progress you've made thus far.

A BALANCE & SKILLFUL APPROACH.

BALANCE

GOOD FOR PHYSICAL,

EMOTIONAL AND SPIRITUAL

HEALTH AND WELL BEING.

RED HAIRED BEAUTY

MY RED HAIRED BEAUTY

MY FREYJA

Norse Goddess of Old & New,

Peace & Violence,

Living & Dead,

Justifier of All,

my Botticelli's Venus

immaculate, beautific

vision of vision

with thick long curly red hair

white skin speckled with red freckles

and blue eyes, diamond eyes

most beautiful, most fair,

do not take abuse

From anyone.

Ride your chariot pulled by two gray cats

through the clouds, sky, heaven -

your necklace the milky way

Sacred Feminine

through all, across ALL, until we sing your praise...

more than an angel, the rosy auburn tresses of your hair

flowing in cosmic wind blurring our vision

with Radiance, You Dance & Sing,

Bringing Wisdom and Depth before us.

From Child

to All Knowing in an Instant,

Blinding us,

Leaving us stunned and staggering,

Our Vital Energy, our Chi flows freely to you

and it becomes yours and you transfer

transcendent purity back to us,

Space, Peace, Emptiness beyond belief.

Yo! Check it out! For Real For Real.

A Child and then back into tantric trance

transfixing us,

a flow of thought & singing,

guttural deep then high pitched

a song & sounds depicting and distilling ALL.

SANGUINE TRESSES, EYES OF

BLUE WATER DIAMONDS

DANCING AT ONCE SENSUAL & SUBLIME,

YOU DANCE THE COSMIC DANCE.

In the Chisabha, the hall of our CONSCIOUSNESS,

in our minds,

YOU DANCE THE COSMIC DANCE.

How can we forget

or stop paying homage to your all encompassing radiance?

And to FLAME, the Sacred Cat,

sacred red fur upon her forehead,

sacred as the life blood flowing through us all,

we bow, we cherish The Sacred Cat and We Cherish ALL.

AND WE CHERISH YOU

YOU WHO DANCE THE COSMIC DANCE WITHIN

AND WITHOUT

we cherish

the perfumed incense of air

the wind whisked up by movements

of your red hair,

your lunar white

hips as you dance

on & on stirring true love

deep inside us, not to possess

or desire, beyond all cravings

and want, just LOVE - Bumping

against the ETHEREAL LIGHT

of Knowledge, enlightenment and all seeing,

AWARE of this, this sublime

moment, sensing & feeling

all in this moment,

the birds calling & chirping & singing

flapping their wings in the moisture

of early morning rain,

just part of the world beyond

your fingertips.

YOU, GIVER of LIFE

and all Food & Sustenance.

SHE DANCES. SHE WHO IS TRANSCENDENT LIGHT.

SHE DANCES WITH THE CELESTIALS.

SHE DANCES IN THE GOLDEN HALL.

SHE DANCES WITH YOUNG LOVERS.

SHE DANCES WITH SILENT SHAMAN.

SHE DANCES IN THE SONG.

SHE IS THE SONG.

SHE DANCES IN ULTIMATE ENERGY.

SHE IS ULTIMATE ENERGY.

SHE IS MOVEMENT.

SHE DANCES IN SOULS.

SHE IS THE KEEPER OF ALL DANCES.

SHIVA or SIVA (She va)

GODDESS OF

DESTRUCTION & REPRODUCTION

The Hindu Triad - three Gods -

SHIVA, BRAHMA, AND VISHNU -

and 3 personification of divine reality

in its creative aspect//

the ESSENTIAL DIVINE REALITY

OF THE UNIVERSE,

THE ETERNAL SPIRIT FROM WHICH

ALL BEING ORIGINATES,

AND TO WHICH

ALL RETURNS.

With heightened AWARENESS, WE

SMELL YOUR SMELLS, SWEET LANGUOROUS ODORS,

WE FEEL THE WIND, AIR STIRRING OF YOUR BREATH

AS YOU SING,

MOVEMENT OF AIR

THE WIND AS YOU DANCE.

THE WIND CREATED

BY YOUR HAIR AND HIPS

IN YOUR GLIDING PASSIONATE MOVEMENT.

THE FIRE IN YOUR BOSOM

THE FIRE IN THE SUNS

THE FIRE IN THE UNIVERSE

THE FIRE IN OUR SOUL

THAT HEATS OUR LIFE BLOOD

WE MERGE WITH THE FIRE

THAT IS YOU.

WE LIE ON YOUR BODY

AND SLIP INTO A DREAM

THIS DREAM CALLED LIFE and

We feel the fecund mosses, lichen

multitudinous species

of your moist earth, rich tapestry so

many species, green lavender, red,

some spindly, some soft - and feel &

see your lips, your mouth -

the fiery sunsets, the saffron dawn,

a Kiss from your lips to us

Empowered by the blaze of the Sun.

VERY TOLERANT

VERY WIDE IN THE CONCEPTS EMBRACED

VERY FORGIVING

A WEAKNESS FOR ROGUES

WANDERING DRUNKEN WASTRELS

WITH FLASHES OF POETIC INSIGHT

THAT IS EASTERN THOUGHT

THAT IS EASTERN PHILOSOPHY

THAT IS SHIVA

THE COSMIC DANCER

& ZEN

UNDERSTANDING

ZEN

LAY IT ALL ASIDE

GOOD, BAD, INDIFFERENT,

& LIE DOWN TO PLEASANT DREAMS

DREAMS

4 THINGS, 4 THINGS

8 FOLD PATH

YES

CRYSTAL

DECCA

REALIZE YES

KNOWS

LOOKING TO RESOLVE

IT IS IT

NEED TO GET

SOMEONE NEW

SOMETHING NEW NOW!

NEED TO GET

NOTHING

GREAT SLEEP

WONDERFUL

LEARN HEALING

you must be able to flow

flow from masculine to feminine

Breathing is the key

move from male to female

seamlessly together whole

in unison this is The Way

masculine & feminine in Harmony

Oneness

FRAGILE STATE BETWEEN

WAKING & SLEEP

"Was he a man dreaming of being a butterfly

or a butterfly dreaming of being a man?"

Chang Tzu

"To give your sheep or cow a large spacious meadow

is the way to control him."

Shunryu Suzuki

"Perched upon the temple bell,

the butterfly sleeps."

Lafcadio Uearn

Stop for a minute, but you can't stay

always flowing, going, moving -

movement & stillness

Zen is stillness, Zen is movement.

Try to grab it in movement, it goes to stillness.

Try to grasp it in stillness, it goes to movement.

Zen moving & staying

calm in the midst of action

awareness in the midst of stillness

A SAUNTERER

from sans terre,

one who is without a home,

and is equally at home anywhere.

SIERRA CLUB MOTTO:

"THE WORLD IS A WILDLIFE PRESERVE,

AND WE ARE THE WILD LIFE."

"CULTIVATE WILDNESS.

WILDNESS IS A STATE OF LIBERATION."

"You enter the natural state of things,

and discover your natural self."

ZEN IS MINDFULNESS-

EXTRACTING THE MOST

FROM A GIVEN MOMENT.

majestic mystic mountains,

a stream,

a solitary person beside the water-

that is us in this world

and that is the typical

chinese landscape painting too

"A superior vessel takes a long time to complete."

"I'm just an old man with nothing dying."

Buddhism

Moderation in everything

including moderation

nothing in excess

Buddhism

"the middle way"

Many streams flow down from the mountains

Many paths to the truth

Zen says

Eat and Drink!

in Zen they relish their rogue wastrel wanderers

careless of conventions, intoxicant inebriates of life

Shunryu Suzuki

1905-1971

came to San Francisco in 1959

The Beats really got into him-

ZEN MIND, BEGINNER'S MIND

and NOT ALWAYS SO

"So the secret is just to say 'YES!' and jump off from here.

Then there is no problem. It means to be yourself,

always yourself, without sticking to an old self."

"When you do something, you should burn yourself completely,

like a good bonfire, leaving no trace of yourself."

"Take care of things, and they will take care of you."

"In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities,

but in the expert's there are few."

"My life has been one long series of mistakes."

"Our tendency is to be interested in something

that is growing in the garden, not in the bare

soil itself. But if you want to have a good harvest,

the most important thing is to make

the soil rich and cultivate it well."

Impermanence, everything changes, everything will be gone,

everything will pass, here today, gone tomorrow,

or tomorrow's tomorrow

nothing remains

"Zen is not some kind of excitement, but

concentration on our usual everyday routine."

"Don't squat with your spurs on."

Ravindra Goswami

Sitar Player

from

Benares

my guru

TAO TE CHING (REVISITED)

What a masterful book.

Enigmatic truth.

line after line.

THE TAO

What is it?

THE WAY

Whatever you say it is,

it is also the opposite.

It is and it is not.

learn to be unlearned.

hold nothing and you will lose nothing.

desire to have no desire.

He who knows does not speak.

He who speaks does not know.

Love tranquility.

Subdue Your Mind.

He who stands on tiptoe is not steady.

He who shows himself is not luminous.

To be above men,

put yourself below them.

This is called matching heaven.

Three treasures:

Deep Love.

Frugality.

Stay in step with the world.

Low is the way

Tranquility

Water is low

Female

A lady bug lands

and walks across the pages of the Tao Te Ching.

I watch carefully as the lady bug

crawls across the page of the Tao Te Ching.

Sitting in the sunlight, I am reading a book.

A lady bug lands on my finger.

She closes the outer shell of her wings,

orange armor with black dots.

She walks across the pages of the Tao Te Ching

simplified

Sitting in the sunlight, I am reading a book.

A lady bug lands on my finger.

(Hence all the wisdom of the ages, all men's learning,

is merely the backdrop, the page, the landscape

for this living creature to walk on.

The life force, the Chi in the lady bug

is as powerful as man's philosophy,

no more powerful.)

While sitting in the sun reading the Tao Te Ching,

a red haired girl woman calls me on the cell phone.

Driving through the North Carolina Mountains,

an Owl flies along beside us.

(He knows this territory better than we do.)

I watch the lady bug crawl

across the top of the page.

The lady bug crawls

across the top of the page.

MON 12/12/06

I AM IN "A ZONE"...

Things ticking along well...

with the smoking removed from my daily life,

I feel a little, no quite odd,

but I actually get around to things

I should do, gracefully,

without a struggle

and I'm doing things the way I should

have been doing them all my life...

odd that it should take until I'm 50

to do and to know this,

but great that it has happened...

living the true life,

the true way...

managing to make a living,

do my writing, reading & music too!

MANTRAS

RAVINDRA GOSWAMI & THE SITAR

CHINESE PHILOSOPHY - CONFUCIUS & LAO TZU (THE TAO)

SUN THERAPY WHEN POSSIBLE.

My love is like a willow tree.

lovely and supple and tender.

The wind comes through

and the limbs dance,

even after the wind is gone.

Rain is falling on the roof.

The cat is sleeping.

Cold rain is falling on the roof.

The dog curls up to sleep.

Warm breath meets cold air,

misty condensation.

Watching Clouds

Cloud Watching // Bright Clouds

"The more he gives to others,

the more he possesses of his own.

The Way of Heaven is to benefit others

and not to injure.

The Way of the Sage is to Act

But not to compete."

(LAST WORDS) END OF THE TAO

Gray trees in gray skies.

Winter. A bird flies by.

Cold air. Warm breath. Misty Condensation.

The strong male cat comes by the little house

for a visit almost daily. He meows,

saying hello, eats a little food, I pick him up,

kiss his head, rub his belly, put him down

and he goes on, making his rounds for the day.

Why does everybody leave me? she says.

She seems headed to an emotional breakdown.

I wake up, now, concerned.

Then she laughs.

She's going to be alright.

"WHEN ONE IS AT EASE WITH ONESELF

ONE IS NEAR TAO."

STRANGE TRUTHS

PURE MIND

Dreams a million

woman from China (or Indian)

round and round

pleasant vague but a million dreams

SURREAL DEATH

car hits a deer, decapitates the deer,

and the head flies into the windshield

of a mini van and kills the driver

A girl came

gave me truth in a blaze

gave me all i needed

for all my days

Then she left in a haze

I'll always remember

Her ways

Came here hypnotized me

with her gaze

left me here

in a beautiful daze

She said

Look!

Look up!

Look up at the sky!

I think about the goodness

that she gave

I think about

the goodness in her heart

strange sweet truths

Play it again

on that sitar

Play it again

Ravi Shankhar

Play it again

Ravi Shankhar

on that sitar

Strange (sweet) truths

in her eyes

Strange (sweet) truths

in her body

Strange (sweet) truths

in her mind

her pure mind.

Strange truth

in her Pure Mind.

Strange light (vision)

in her (clear) eyes

strange fruit

her body too

strange breeze

in her ways

strange truth

(in her) pure mind

Dreams - Millions of people in prison

Hillary Andrews

blonde meteorologist

finally losing it

having a nervous breakdown

on air

"good shopping weather in Atlanta,

as long as you don't mind

walking between stores...

out west, christmas weather for the surfers -

no sales on Rodeo Drive

snow sleet rain

snow sleet rain... snow sleet rain"

(over & over & over again)

"foggy in New Orleans,

low lights, high lights, low lights high lights..."

(the Weather Station breaks to commercial

and Hillary Andrews is never seen again)

The birds fly in and land in the big oak trees

Such a racket as they cackle & eat & drop

acorn shells raining down on the ground.

Suddenly, mysteriously they all grow silent...

30 seconds pass, they all take flight

and disappear in the sky.

Mon 12/19/05

The birds fly into the oak tree,

making their racket all the while,

chattering just like we do in our network

of phones, computers, and fiber optic cable.

Music of Man, Music of Earth, Music of Heaven

MYSTICAL WAY OF CHUANG TZU

"Have you ever witnessed how the trees

swing and bend after the wind is gone?"

"Great Knowledge is leisurely

and at ease

(all embracing, extensive)."

NOTE: MAYBE INCLUDE THE TAO TE CHING

COMPLETELY

INTERSPERSED THROUGH BOOK

A rush of wind,

the black birds

take flight in unison,

oak leaves rustling on the ground.

Blue sky through the bare trees,

the black birds fly through the trees.

Note: Maybe go back to NOVEL

CHRONIC

one idea take a huge detour

into SACRED FEMININE

then EASTERN Philosophy

SPELL OUT THE RELATIONSHIP

with red headed girl/woman

Maybe the book doglegs

out like crazy -

SACRED FEMININE & Eastern Philosophy

Suddenly at a certain point, he seems

to find his way, The Way

through it all to the very moment

Do the Bump & Grind -

all about the Sacred Feminine Dancing

Back to SACRED FEMININE -

With long curly red hair, natural curls,

lunar skin, the sky blue

diamond eyes of her mother,

exotic, a whisper,

a smattering of freckles

across her cheeks,

her face clear and smooth,

indistinct like beautiful clouds.

BODY? OH MY -

Perfect embodiment,

incarnation of womanhood -

talk to me night after night so close,

yet so far away.

Morphing into

a dark haired exotic goddess

high priestess of passion

her body a temple of delight

her mind an incarnation

of enchantment and enlightenment

Seeing all

with an eye in the sky

love

layers and layers

of love

white and green islands

blue seas

bamboo, palm trees, jungle

a gauguin delight

dot on forehead

third eye

eye in the sky

love floating on clouds

for a bed

love

true love

physical

& mental

Maybe if I get out of this studio,

move on to something new,

then we will see what happens.

But then, what is happening now,

is intense and wonderful,

just ride the now.

Like a pied piper to women,

Swan was born to make them dance.

Song after song would flow out -

rootsy, primal grooves,

and the women, girls

would groove on it -

Dancing the night away.

Like oh,

maybe we should sit around

and worry or try to plan

what we are going to do next?

No, think, analyze, act,

evaluate, adjust,

and get on with it...

then get down,

let it go

forget all

in the now moment

lost in rapture,

in the cosmic dance

soul in the wind

transparency

of mind

of body

of nature

of beyond

in the moment

transported

by art

a poem a novel

a painting a film

music and or dance

to sublime feelings

of oneness

connectedness

with all.

Happiness

comes from

sensing

this connectedness,

this "belonging".

transparent

system

is a

good

system.

Whether an American Legion,

a club, a party at the museum

or corporate event,

Swan always made people dance,

or certainly wanted to be a conduit

between the mystical realm

of feeling good and motion

and people transported

to move as only music can do.

With cover songs or Originals

that was his aim -

to dance, to move, to be alive,

to feel good, to flow, to groove,

to ride with the wind...

Freely understanding

love & freedom & flowing

motion to be at the

heart of life.

Yes to Dance,

Dance brings us

closer to "God",

to "All",

to "Ourselves".

Movement is the most primal act,

and dance is the most sophisticated,

genuine, graceful

expression of movement.

YES, TO MAKE EVERYONE DANCE

THAT WAS AND IS

THE ULTIMATE GOAL OF SWAN.

PRIMAL GROOVE.

While watching C-SPAN

Senate Hearing

on Lobbying Reform

Fuck You!

Fuck All Of You!

Reform?

Revolution

is more in order

in my opinion.

All you guys

in Washington

"inside the Beltway"

as you say

are sucking

the same tit

of America,

and we are the people

we are the mother,

and as such you need to listen,

not just to the minority

that votes,

but to all others,

go out, dig,

find out what is

really going on in this country.

The Media

& the Politicians

two headed'

two assed

dragon,

strip the campaign money

strip the corporate lobbyists,

bring it down to bare facts,

remove the obstacles

the distance

between representation

and the actual people...

You guys,

hmmm, let's see,

should we vote ourselves a raise?

well...

You guys are the problem,

not the answer...

you guys need to get down,

get lean and mean,

as you have forced us

the people,

not the priviledged class,

corporate top hierarchy,

stronger than our government...

doctors, lawyers, undertakers,

whatever commands more money...

should that determine

what our priorities are?

No, not in this

media fabricated

advertising brain washing

era,

we need change

serious and severe,

now.

Ethics.

Yeah,

let's see some of that.

Principles,

Ethics,

concern for all,

not just a soak down

of our spirit and our money,

give us health care,

give us health,

give us kindness,

a kind government,

this is OUR government,

supposed to be.

Every American

to have a good job,

a healthy life,

and a good retirement.

Bill Samuel,

AFL-CIO

Legislation Director,

headed

in the right direction.

Coalition

for National Health Care

Organization

For Senior Services

She

Unfuckable!

untouchable!

lunchable

munchable

100 FT Ethernet Cable

Dream out on Hatteras

Frozen but

Drums pounding on shore

Me & Deba

angel dancing

wrapped in mexican blanket

in the moonlight

CHRISTMAS EVE NIGHT 2005

JODECO ROAD

"Learn to tame the disturbances

coming from your own mind.

Then peace will come to you automatically."

TO LIVE SIMPLY

To live simply

and stay true to the things

that really mean something

to oneself, to not be distracted

and caught up in things otherwise.

To love and accept the love,

bask in the warmth & light

& feelings around.

Learning so much

from Buddhists of late

transforming separation

and isolation of the self

into reaching & touching &

feeling & accepting the energy around us.

Healing through concentrating

on energy of a dog,

energy flows all around.

Work, make enough money

to pay bills and have enough

to buy a recorder - very portable

Tascam 2488

(turned out to be a Boss 1600!)

and see Mama around Christmas.

Beyond that to save money

if possible, to love as

love is given, to give & receive

in my open air room

with its white twinkling lights,

white lattice covered

by blue tarp walls,

blue room

& the black & white dalmatian

walking around,

Sasha my love visiting,

staying in touch

from time to time -

to receive something special

from a friend - understanding, enlightenment.

The universe will provide,

if you let it.

When a door closes,

another one opens.

To let Katja the Dalmatian's

Energy heal my foot

self not self

selfless not selfish

if I allow energy

to flow back to her.

Understanding, freeing

oneself from their

current perceptions & beliefs

and misconceptions

accepting and being receptive

to previously resisted or

blocked out concepts,

energies, wisdom

or knowledge and emotions.

IT'S A DIFFERENT

BALLGAME NOW,

AND YET STILL A CONTINUATION.

Dennis Rodman,

to elevate one's

game, performance, life,

to concentrate energy

and sacrifice & work hard

toward excellence -

a monk among thieves,

all oak among weeds

a tear of joy & happiness

THE SUN & THE MOON

A RED HAIRED GIRL

IN A SHOWER

FIRE ON WATER

& WATER ON FIRE

TAKING LESSONS & MESSAGES

FROM THE COSMOS (UNIVERSE)

WE GIVE TO EACH OTHER

LOVE AND EMOTION & LIFE.

YOUNG BALLERINA SOCIALITE

BURNING THE CANDLE

AT BOTH ENDS -

MAYBE RUNNING FROM

SOMETHING, HERSELF

OR MAYBE IN TOUCH

WITH WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT.

THE NEXT THING IS...

WORK, WORK, WORK -

WORK ON UNDERSTANDING

WORK ON LIFE & LOVE

WORK ON WHAT IS TRUE,

AND IMPORTANT TO ONE'S SELF,

IN HARMONY WITH WHAT

IS GOOD FOR THE EARTH,

WORLD, ENVIRONMENT, UNIVERSE...

ACT IN ACCORD WITH NATURE.

Music, Writing...

It doesn't have to be any way,

There is no way it must be done...

Do it the way you want to,

Just do it the way

you want to do it.

AD:

Multi Instrumentalist needed

KEYBOARDS, SAX, VIOLIN-

FOR ORIGINAL PROJECT -

LET YOUR MIND GO -

AND IT YOUR WAY -

CURRENT EQUIPMENT TO TODD'S

FOR "LIVE" RECORDINGS

16 TRACK BOARD & SPEAKERS

TO EMERGE WITH NOTHING,

AND FINALLY HAVE IT ALL.

NO STRUGGLE, JUST

CONCENTRATED FOCUSED

ENERGY.

MY ART, MY LIFE, MY LOVE

I NEVER CARED TO BE FAMOUS

OR EVEN KNOWN FOR WHAT I DO,

THAT SEEMS TO UNLEASH

TOO MANY DISTRACTIONS...

TO SIT IN THE BLUE ROOM

WITH THE RED LIGHT ON

THINK BACK TWENTY FIVE YEARS

TO A CRUMPLED TUBE

OF COLGATE TOOTHPASTE

ON AN SINK IN NEW YORK,

AND A BROKEN MIRROR...

AND TO FEEL THE SAME STILLNESS,

THE SAME PEACE.

THE MOBIS STRIP

THE INFINITY SIGN -

THE ETERNAL RECURRENCE

AND ENDLESS REPETITION OF BEINGS

AND EVENTS AND SIGNS -

VERSUS THE SEEMINGLY

ENDLESS VARIATIONS & COLLECTIONS

OF ENERGY FIELDS -

FINITE OR INFINITE?

DEPENDS ON WHETHER

THE UNIVERSE IS OPEN

OR A CLOSED, CONTAINED SYSTEM,

BACK TO THE ONE OR MANY,

ALL OF THE MANY IS ONE,

ONE LIMITLESS INFINITE

SPACE & OCCURRENCE &

COLLECTION OF ENERGIES -

THAT, YES THAT IS ALL.

GOOD NIGHT MY LOVE,

MY BEAUTIES,

MOTHER & DAUGHTER

AS THEY SLEEP.

CHRISTINE

Now my attentions turn to Christine.

She who I have loved since the day

we first met at the Museum of Modern Art

in New York.

Oh Dark Eyes

Embodiment of all that is exotic

in my mind,

you of the transparent

lucid mind,

you of quick lightning thoughts

of clarity, enlightenment,

you of the razor sharp tongue,

you who I will always love,

though anger sometimes

obscures the love,

like clouds obscure the sun,

but the love,

like the sun is always there...

so brilliant, so refined,

so capable of tail spinning

into darkest suicidal depression,

be patient,

our love is one of the great loves,

it has survived

the deepest trials & tribulations.

Yes, we are physically apart now,

but growing closer again.

Yeah we really screwed things up.

No need to analyze blame,

which came first this or that

it doesn't matter,

what happened happened...

NOW

is what we have,

and lucky to have that,

no telling what will happen next.

I know we depend on each other,

we always have.

Our power together

is more than the sum of

our separate powers.

You are in New York.

I am in Georgia.

How do we reconcile

all this?

THURS 2/9/06

If people could accept everybody,

accept everything about relationships

and their complexity,

how a closeness and a being together

is so important,

but maybe not so neatly

paired off as we would like.

I think this is one problem

with our society

and our current societal mores,

they do not seem to be flexible enough

to accommodate

all of our various needs.

People are too programed

to think in "ideal" states,

hence unrealistic states.

Just as the wind comes

and blows the branches about,

so too does love come

and blow our feelings about.

We cannot predict or say

or control when the wind comes,

but we can be mindful and aware

and ready when it comes.

So too with love.

TOSHU

Moon Flower Rising in Water

Moon Burning in Water

Midnight Reflections

Moon in Water

But the moon is not

in the water.

Only reflected there.

It seems to be there.

Some "essence" of it

is there.

But then

the light of

the moon

is not its light.

It is the light

of the sun.

Reflection upon reflection.

Illusion upon illusion.

Ah such is life!

At best,

at rock bottom,

you reach into the water

with your hands,

and raise a shimmering cup of water,

and as the water trickles

through your fingers,

the moon disappears.

That is the way life is.

It is all transitory.

It is always changing.

The Best is Now,

because the Past is Gone,

and the Future has not arrived,

materialized, does not exist...

Now is what we have,

some fading memories,

some shimmering dreams...

the moon shinning in the water

Now I hear the dog breathing,

the computer's cooling fan spinning,

my mind peering

penetrating into

this moment,

beyond the senses,

what I see,

beyond the computer screen,

the calm, the silence,

the emptiness, the void...

that which is inexpressible,

neither nothing nor something,

not that which is or that which is not,

primordial elixir,

essence.

Universal, specific,

Divine, Human

of Heaven, of Earth...

Not knowing and knowing...

...silence...

...breathing...

fertile smells,

lingering odors,

visions of burning,

tastes of nectar,

touch of wood

plant, animal,

my body,

your body.

The squatty lamp

with its tall black shade,

the amber tone of its light,

conjures up

genie like

all these thoughts

and visions,

to hear

Stephanie laughing,

to hear

Christine laughing,

to see

Debbie smiling,

to taste water,

to taste the sour mash

of whiskey,

to smell the rain

the charred oak barrels,

to feel you touching my face,

to feel my touching your face.

to touch your face

gently with my fingers

& to feel you touching my face

as we stare into each others eyes

with love...

that's what life is.

The wonderful feeling

of going to sleep.

Winter Rain

I wake and hear

the rain on the roof,

and drift off to sleep again.

I wake in daylight

and hear the rain

falling on the roof,

and drift off to sleep again.

This is good for me.

I need sleep.

I need meditation

I wake & hear

the rain on the roof,

and drift off to sleep again.

Winter Sun

I wake with the sun

streaming in the doorway.

I walk outside, the dog

and cat follow me.

Sitting in the direct sunlight,

we warm ourselves, our bones,

drawing energy from the sun.

Then the dog and I go to work.

The cat stays behind at the little house.

I kid them sometimes.

I tell the cat she is the best house cat,

and I tell the dog

she is the best work dog.

They look at me like they understand.

Who knows.

Siren in the night

Knowing something's not right,

Hoping when they get there

they can make things alright.

I have a drink of liquor

The Dog is breathing

across the room.

The rain has stopped.

The roof is quiet.

Clouds of Light

Sleeping, I wake,

the lights are like

clouds in the room.

I am sleeping

in clouds of light.

Drifting in and out of sleep

around midnight.

To be asleep is good.

To be awake is good.

This is the Law

(from the Dhammapada)

In this world

hate never dispels hate.

Only love dispels hate.

This is the law.

Ancient and inexhaustible.

Remember it is all uncertain, impermanent.

Be finished with all of it.

This is the Way that will take you

to the source -

to your Original Mind.

For Meghan

Meghan,

Here's something to maybe think about. It's the foundation of

Buddhist Thought, called the 4 Noble Truths:

1.) Life is full of suffering.

2.) The cause of all suffering is

our cravings and our desires.

3.) We can end suffering

by controlling, suppressing, subduing

our cravings and our desires.

4.) There is an 8 fold path

to take in order to control cravings & desires,

thereby ending suffering, and gaining joy and happiness.

Right Views

Right Aspirations

Right Speech

Right Conduct

Right Livelihood

Right Endeavor

Right Mindfulness

Right Contemplation

I thought I would give you this book for you birthday.

The Dhammapada is supposedly the things that the actual person

Guatama Siddharta (Buddha) said.

Eastern Philosophy, Chinese and Indian Thought

make so much sense to me.

Maybe it will strike a chord in you too,

now or maybe someday in the future.

Love,

Tommy

There are so many great sayings from the East.

Everything in moderation,

including moderation.

(So don't forget to have fun

and kick up your heels from time to time.)

There is no better medicine

for our minds and our bodies

than to live a good healthy life..

Act only when the action is in accord

or in harmony with nature,

in harmony with yourself

and what is natural for yourself.

Japanese Animae

Animation

sexy woman

black hair

black nipples

& white skin

riding a large tongue

with leather boots,

holding on

to barbell

of a tongue piercing

sweat beads

perspiration

falling from her forehead

morphing

into red head

thick curly full hair flowing

in the blue sky

riding clouds

forming swans

her thighs wrapped

in mystical misty air

rosy nipples of ripeness

bouncing firmly

her head thrown back in ecstasy

eyes closed

until turning lips moist

and eye lids shutter open

diamond eyes

reflection the blue of sky

eyes that see all

see you & know all

about you and me

and the universe.

In fact

is the all

and the emptiness

the Great Wisdom Gone Beyond...

no desire, no craving

just being,

breathing

& this is what it brings

visions of earthly paradise

smiling

like the rays of the sun

shining down

on all of us

smiling

Globular lettering

of a Wes Wilson poster

for The Fillmore

1966

Bill Graham

Jefferson Airplane

Grateful Dead

Plastic Inevitable

oozing off the page

WHOZROLLIN

D floatin on out

now movin out of roger's apt

worried about her

but she always lands on her feet

cost of car killin her i think

but she's got to move

2 jobs down

got me worried

can't sleep, stressed

things seem bleak, hopeless

need to talk with steve

concerning the future

R E wise

and container house

paper house at little lakewood

van broke down on Fri 2/24/06

stressed, but managed repair,

now Mon 2/27

maybe can get in back in groove

Sun 3/5/06

Still worried, I think it is mostly related

to lack of projects/properties out there

with Steve

now starting to focus, working harder

but little seems to be coming of it,

cannot get ahead or save money...

got to dig deep these days...

Hazy dreamy Daze Days

of sacred feminine red head

are gone.

That was definitely some

last ditch effort on my part

for youth that is gone,

and will never be again for me.

Now need to focus on next phase

of my life,

patience is the key,

53 now, 9 years to go.

62.

Retirement.

Need to start looking

at possibilities now...

Disability, etc.

Definitely feel I qualify.

What to do, what to do.

Music.

Throw a demo together.

Go get work.

Gigs.

Tom Hill

Pink Ink

Tom Hill

& The

Rock & Soul

Medicine Show

Rock & Soul Revue

50s & 60s music

Go for the gigs.

Figure out PA.

Quick.

Has always been a stumbling block.

Need PA on a stick concept.

But try to work with what I have.

Resolve crackle...

somehow 2 monitors,

either powered or with volume controls.

Make a bio.

Make a name.

Maybe resurrect The S.U.N.S.

The Suns

Tom Hill

yes that's it

simply

Tom Hill

Check for Drummers

Need more musicians available...

all instruments...

Drums, Bass, Guitar, Keyboard, Sax

TOM HILL'S ROCK & SOUL REVUE

TOM HILL

& THE ROCK & SOUL REVUE

Now back to writing,

need to get back to novel,

will do that today, sunday...

begin with

AN INDIAN ON A WHITE PONY

IN THE CITY OF DREAMS

then write a new chapter for CHRONIC...

that is SUNDAY'S PROJECT

THE HEART SUTRA*

(The Sutra of the Great Wisdom Gone Beyond)

From the depths of prajna wisdom

The Bodhisattiva of Compassion saw into the emptiness

of every construct

and so passed beyond all suffering.

Knowing then that in such depths

form is only emptiness, emptiness only form.

Form is emptiness, emptiness is form.

This is true of feelings, perceptions, impulses

and the rest on consciousness.

All these by there very nature, are emptiness,

being neither born nor dying, stained nor pure,

waxing or waning.

So in emptiness is there neither form,

feelings, perceptions, impulses or consciousness,

no eye, ear, nose, tongue, body or mind.

No form sound smell taste touch or object of mind.

No element of sight or any other element of consciousness.

No ignorance, no old age or death.

No extinguishing of ignorance, old age or death.

No suffering, no beginning or end, no past.

No wisdom, no attainment.

The Bodhisattva who dwells in this perfect state

attains nothing, is not entrapped by delusions, fantasies.

And where there are no such obstacles, there can be no fear.

Now beyond all delusions,

one reaches ultimate nirvana.

Having practiced this same Great Wisdom Gone Beyond,

all Buddhas in the past have come to supreme enlightenment.

Knowing then that this peerless mantra,

this true mantra of highest wisdom

unfailingly relieves all suffering

and so proclaim it:

Gone, gone beyond, gone altogether beyond,

Awakening, fulfilled!

Heart of Great Wisdom!

*NOTE: "The Heart Sutra (teaching or wisdom) is regarded as a distillate

of all of Buddha's teachings. This is the daily prayer of many Buddhists.

In this Sutra Buddhism forged an irrevocable link between the direct experience

of emptiness, SUNYATA, and PRAJNA, the basic insight of indivisible oneness."

from ZEN AND THE BRAIN

Let's see, are we still at 18 point?

Okay, making headway with the writing.

Sorting books as I write this.

Sunday 3/5/06

Saturday 3/11/06

Dexter, Mark's

orange and white lanky long haired cat,

sits on the stout railing of the porch,

staring at the red male cardinal perched

on the electric line above,

and the cardinal stares back

in silence,

caught up together momentarily

in all their redness,

and then gone,

probably never to see each other again,

but for one fine moment

locked together in mystical union.

Ah yes,

another full moon,

misty through the bare trees,

having met Jackie

spent the day with her

just to see another whole way

of looking at the world

and living life

and talking to my other friends

who are all so kind

I must focus and live now

don't worry about the future now,

because another whole set of circumstances

will be and will apply over the course of time,

just keep moving and rolling and living

with my present plan,

finishing the writing, continuing the music,

looking for a good situation,

yes the touch the closeness,

the hugs and kisses and bodies held close

to touch another person is a wonderful thing

I was going to say

the last thing I need is another person

to care about to love...

but no I suppose there is never anything

wrong with that,

love is love,

and love is always good.

Monday

April 3, 2006

Have been pushing myself too hard.

Have been sick for an entire week.

Head cold. Sinus and chest congestion.

Mucus. Sore throat. Pains down in my ears.

Severe headaches. Extremely achy and sore body,

especially my legs and feet. After thirty minutes

being awake, so tired, ready to sleep another 5 hours.

Head tender to touch. Head feels like it is freezing

underneath the skull. Body contractions, cramps

while lying down. Feel like my muscles are

"separating from the bone" (sort of filleted)

This began Monday March 27, 2006

Has been over a week now.

Finally have had two plus days of rest.

Have not left the house even to go to the store now

for 3 days. Have never felt so exhausted

and achy in my life.

Have been working harder, trying to produce

more money as I am always near broke.

We had a series of gigs, and my birthday weekend

was very stressful. Work through Thursday,

pick Tina up at 3am in morning...Friday drive

her to Columbus, then drive back to McDonough

to Motorhead's...play and sleep in van with Jackie...

not much sleep then next day to High Falls, beautiful sunset

but back and play club that night, then drive to Columbus that night.

Sleep 3 hours get up get to Ft Benning to pick up Tina and drive her

to Atlanta Airport. She to fly to Syracuse, new orders now stationed

at Fort Drum, Watertown, New York.

Came home Sunday night and got very very sick.

Now 8 days later still feel achy and sick.

But I do feel a little better.

Leading up to the last several weeks of hard work

was several weeks of stress when the van went out.

Belt tensioner broke, leaving the van with no serpentine belt

and leaving me driving on the highway with no alternator,

fan to cool engine, no power steering.

Of course that freaked me out. Got the pickup truck out,

charged battery, pumped up tires, cleaned out all the mildew

in cab, got it running. Troubleshoot and buy parts. Already fill tube hose

was leaking, and had a leak in the coolant somewhere.

All this and of course emission inspection and registration

was coming up on the vehicles on my birthday.

Back and forth, back and forth with these vehicles.

As it stands now, van is the only one legally on the road.

Truck did not pass emissions. Need to tune it and try again.

Stress...Stress...Stress

No wonder I collapsed.

Slowly trying to put things back together again.

Debbie is struggling in Syracuse.

Too many bills. Working hard at two jobs,

but car payment and insurance eating her alive.

Hate to see her working so hard and having her phone turned off etc.

Christine is doing good, just got a raise...says she's drinking

but otherwise clean.

Trying to get back to basics here,

but it is hard.

WRITING...WORK...MUSIC

in that order has been dumped for a while

Need to get back to organizing things around here.

I allowed things to get pretty messy and disorganized around here

while in the process of stopping smoking

(It has now been 5 months

150 days since I had a cigarette)

but it is time to sort things out

and get organized.

That's all for now, at least I'm starting to focus

back on the things as per my plan.

Take a deep breath, and slow down.

Must get back to reading.

Reading is the key.

TUES, WED

4/4-5/06

IST time for "cleaning"

since I took Deba to New York

she says its been 9 months

cried over her today really miss her

such a companion, such a compatible worker,

such a friend, such a love, i miss her...

Any rate, yes the key in addition to writing and reading,

cleaning and sorting out is very important,

need to keep things clean condensed and organized...

that way forward moving, to the next adventure

whatever that will be...

yes continue with writing, but now start

the sorting process, getting a little better at it...

bottom line you can't take it with you

you can't take any of it with you when you go, die that is...

1. immediate things.

2. longer term things when have the space again.

3. all else should pretty much go now.

Feeling good, in motion again,

my life in motion again,

moving on to whatever however,

but would like a clean organized environment

in the meantime, so i will work at that,

as well as WRITING, and as well as trying

to keep the money flowing in...

Again turning a negative into a positive,

this week exhausted, sick...using this time to do what I've wanted

to do for a long time, that is continue the process of cleaning up

and cleaning out my life in all sectors, writing, possessions, emotions,

relationships, friendships, business situations,

re evaluating music and music relationships,

have tried very hard for many years, now must take a back seat,

still do it, but allow other considerations to come to the forefront

with more passion, Writing, Work, Emotions... my body telling me

something...GET HOUSE IN ORDER... that is what my body is saying.

Jackie a sweetie... visited her at marshaling yard today,

trucks rolling in to be weighed and registered

for convention show trade... immediate bond and attraction

and like of each other... but I have these former relationships...

and I've told Jackie this... but for Jackie's sake because she asked,

she said just go with the flow be positive right now today,

even if we don't see each other ever again...

she's probably right, I just don't want to cause more hurt,

pain or sorrow...I let her know up front,

so now I will just enjoy knowing and getting to know her

and being with her.

Suddenly just got very tired.

2:30 am

Thurs 2am

4/6/06

Oh how happy I have been all day!

Organizing stuff... beautiful spring weather...

out on the lattice porch love it

before the mosquitoes hit...

sorting tools, clothes etc, getting organized

feels so good... and

not working!

1st chance I've had not to work in a long time

oh I wish I could not work for a while...

I just love living when I don't have to work...

still working on things, my life,

organizing, writing, music,

Will see soon where we stand, but still Steve has been very kind to me,

and of course I think I have given him a lot of excellent skilled and

informed work, many times it's as much what I don't do as what I do...

Zen and the Art of Old Houses

Zen and the Art of House Renovation

Zen and the Art of Noise

Zen and the Art of Sound

Zen and the Art of Rock & Roll Music

tonite practiced with WhoZrolling

real fun just cuttin loose

then to Kelly's, fun all around...

ah to live my life the way I want, please T'ien Chi,

Energy of Heaven, Energy of Earth, Primordial Energy of All,

please allow that to happen...

so I can share love and happiness with all.

FRI 4/7/06

NIGHT after doctor

Cynthia McCaleb M.D.

Xrays of neck too! today

acute sinusitis, flu...

Then mistake, invited Jackie to dinner

at Houston's, she started in with my sweatpants,

while she was wearing blue blue jeans...

fuck her and the horse she rode in on...

tired of that treatment got to stay on positive tip

got to keep on pushing on

believe there has been way too much "speed"

in her life. don't need that...

left phone at home had to get caught up with calls...

don't know but seems like the antibiotic she gave me

is messing with me, making me mean spirited,

aggressively angry.

See how I feel tomorrow.

But very happy that I got the X-ray of my neck done too.

Jackie and I already fight like we've been married for 5 years

Fuck that.

Doctor was good. Woman. Good repoire.

At billing dept at Piedmont saw an old couple being handed their Xrays,

so I asked the billing lady could I get my X rays...

She said sure, just ask them when you have them done

When I asked the swishy gay attendant said

no, we have a paper work reduction notice...

the young black woman said you wouldn't understand them anyway...

He said it's all done by computers now...

I asked is there anyway I can access them on line

He said No... So I said so I'm not allowed to have my own medical records?

that seems a little odd to me.

He showed me what they looked like as I left,

I think because he realized I probably

was well within my rights to ask for them...

I will find out.

But the feeling of going to the Doctor's,

and going to have a test for something you know is wrong,

something that concerns your health, is a great feeling...

and everyone should be entitled to that...

that's why I believe in National Health Care...

As much wealth and waste as there is in this nation,

we should all be able to take care of our health,

not be victimized by this insurance game.

Talking with My Dead Friends

Sitting around talking with my dead friends today,

laughing and joking just like they were here,

it kind of makes you stop and wonder.

Thinking about Ron and Paula,

how crazy and dysfunctional,

sometimes they would call the cops

and Ron would beg the cops to take him away,

take him to jail just so he could get away from her...

or Ron talking about how his back was out of place

and as the police twisted him into submission

he heard his back crack and suddenly he felt fine

and aligned again,

and, and, his laughing about all this.

Ah what a crazy crazy friend,

but I'd give anything to have him back again,

living life above the rim,

living to the fullest.

But the crack did him in.

Couldn't leave it alone.

But that's okay.

It happened that way.

His whole life led to that.

And that is okay.

And Kathy laughing.

Laughing cause she got him a job

because he was my friend.

She said yeah, you didn't tell me

he was crazy.

But it's okay.

Or her laughing

after she started chemotherapy

and she was wearing a wig,

how Ron asked her

if he could have her hair

after she died.

Just crazy, crazy things,

and sweet things,

lying on the green fertile moss

in the woods near the river,

her alabaster white body

on the deep green,

and her blue eyes like some

clear crystalline sky

oh the love,

the perfection of two

as one.

Grapes

Wine

Cheese

Love.

I cry.

Talking with dead friends

always leads to laughter and tears.

4/15/06

Oh the love, Oh the pain when it is gone.

Yes better to have had love and lost it as they say,

but still it hurts. Forever it will hurt.

Once you have know that perfection of love,

you can never forget it,

it is a beautiful feeling beyond belief.

If I could go on feeling that forever,

that wonderment, that awe, that stillness,

that pinnacle of mental and physical sensation,

just to be so completely in love,

to have found that how glorious.

How rare.

How wonderful and cruel life is.

To have found that love, and then to loose it.

Maybe it is better to live under a rock, take no chances.

But no, we go on, and feel more feelings,

more sensations, more love, yes there is always more love.

In the undulating flux and constant changes of life,

there is always more love.

Love is a constant that shines

just like the sun still lights the earth

even when clouds obscure it.

And now flowing from me to the sacred feminine

once again love, yes, yes, it is wonderful,

love not flowing to an object,

but to an ideal, a concept,

and if there is a physical embodiment of that concept,

all the better, but the love is true and real and rare.

That love we can always get in touch with,

That love we can always feel.

MOODS LIKE CLOUDS

A bright day

& all is right

with the world

& with my Love...

She lies in the leaves

on a hill above the lake

Then suddenly

ominously

dark clouds of suspicion

roll in & all

the hell of existence

comes racing, screaming out

demons guilt doubt

paranoia worthlessness

wail about, always triggered

unlocked unleashed

like a gun in my face,

stabbing my chest,

slashing & riddling my soul

shredding in until what

was a whole & vibrant &

wholesome body is drained

of blood, all hacked up

& dismembered. Disjointed

I cannot think. How did

I get in this situation

what is wrong with me

for surely there is something

very seriously wrong with me

you play my heart like a violin

you are a virtuoso

when you stop playing

I hardly notice

so spellbound & stunned

by your performance.

But in the silence

as it continues

thunder rolls from

far away and a creeping

feeling of being afraid slowly

crawls up my spine

clouds of love & delight

clouds of anger & hatred

flow thru me

because of you.

Why? Is this love?

Forces of good

forces of evil

the evil you have

to keep away

Tried my best

to save her

but she kept

drifting away

hell bent on destruction

there was no stopping her.

So much for Supreme Beings

I am a Supreme Being

I am a God in a way

You are a God in a way.

But there are so many things

greater than me.

Power is a mind melt.

I am insignificant.

Instability - out of control -

I think such wonderful things

wonderful loving things

& suddenly I realize that the

person I love is conning me,

being untrue & unfaithful to me.

I have truly met my match.

Someone who is shifty & sleazy

and changes moods like clouds.

UP AT THE RESERVOIR

AT SUNSET

WATCHING THE CLOUDS

RACE BY

JUMP

CHECKERBOARD CLOUDS

CLOUDS JUMP LIKE CHECKERS

SUN & THE MOON UP

WATCHING THE CLOUDS

JUMP OVER

THE SUN & THE MOON

LIKE CHECKERS

RADIO TOWERS BEAMING

DOWN AFRIK RYDDYMS

JA JA JA JAZZ!

ME IN A LITTLE HONDA

DARK RED INTERIOR

BLACK STEERING WHEEL

SILVER OUTSIDE

LITTLE HONDA

HELP ME RONDA

JANE FONDA

WITH EACH PASSING SEASON

MY HEART BREAKS MORE

WITH EACH PASSING DAY

MY SADNESS GROWS

TO THINK OF YOU

WHICH ONCE BROUGHT SUCH HOPE,

NOW BRINGS ETERNAL WOE.

WHITE LILIES.

DIANA'S FUNERAL 9/6/97

HEARSE COVERED WITH FLOWERS

DREAMS multitudinous, cascading

through my subconscious like rain

falling through the spacelessness.

I cannot recreate the beauty

I have seen & touched & felt.

I am a little God like all things

animate & inanimate

all things are alive

don't try to tell me otherwise

spaced out. I understand

the divisions but disagree

with the principle,

the theory is faulty.

All things have a Life of their own,

a rock, a plant, a person, even

man make objects - and these,

the man made things have

a stranglehold on us.

DREAMS LIBIDINOUS

a guitar player I know

standing at a counter

saying that he understands

the former wife of a another

guitar player, Danny, works there,

and asks when she will be working.

The man tell him and goes on to explain

how strange she is, how she gives

you satisfaction but is never

in the room with you,

almost like an X Ray technician

does her job from behind a

lead panel.

CIRCLES or SWIRL

Crescent moon over the city

and I think about my love

How it changes so quickly

like computer technology

like the clouds passing above

As I hear the sounds of a new day

crawling into action

& sense the lasers run

in fiber optic fields.

I still feel how wonderful it is

to be with you. The whirl

as it begins. Fans cooling

Discs swirling around & around

this circular motion - primary motion

in the beginning there was a swirl,

and you and I met

& so began our world.

She said

be careful what you ask for

cause you just might get it, or

cause you will probably get it.

I am truly lost now

all my dreams are gone

nothing turned out

the way I hoped & planned.

Lost in the creative process,

but my patience grows

my tolerance for people

that are different

and things I don't understand

has increased & I have much more

Love in my heart now.

Aggressively meek, getting nowhere

going round in circles, swirling

further & further from the center

the beginning. No way out. Dizzy.

CONQUISTADOR

THE LICK & THE CLAW MARK

You don't do the things you used to do

you don't do any of the things you used to do

you used to call all the time

I couldn't even get out the door

and I lived you for it

It made me feel good

that I thought someone cared that much.

But the tide has turned you called

& came to me out of some desperate need

which you don't seem to have or need anymore

I get a funny feeling we're thru

and that's okay just let me know

let me go

and then I was the one calling

& checking & moaning - showering you

with gifts & love, attention & affection

But it seems you've moved on

leaving me with the desperate need

and I'll wait & try to be patient,

if you are troubled now,

but if you've moved on,

it's okay, as of today I can handle it

just like me know

so I can go

Just let me know

if you are thru with me

cause that's what seems to be

maybe I'm wrong

seems I'm definitely now strong

just let me know

should I go now?

Can I go now

if you are finished

jacking me around

ripping through my emotions

like a chain saw

massacring my feelings

and leaving me feeling

doubtful, lonely, insecure?

You can make me feel wonderful

like anything is possible

and you can make me feel

worthless, all life meaningless

I don't think I can take this ebb & flow

this hot & cold, in fact I think I want to go now.

You showed up in here

and straightened me out

and covered my room

with your decorations

and now you've rolled on

and now I say

wait a minute

that is odd

that glass sticking

through the wall

that isn't right at all.

But you won me

conquistadoress

took me over

reduced me to helpless

servitude

another trophy on your shelf

left to gather dust

Do you feel better now?

I hope so cause I don't.

I'm gone. I don't need the abuse

I'm sure you'll say I abused you,

But I didn't stop loving you.

It was too much

you were always

having to pick me up

and ah ah how

I loved your touch

I guess it's alright

If you're going

cause you're gonna do what you want

I always thank you for the love

and the spirit you gave

And every now & then

there will be a ray of light

and there will be a gleam in my eye

or some lights

that were never there before

and I love you for it

though you care no more.

What is it? What is it? Come back to me.

I'm waiting. Can't you see.

It is a vicious game we play

Back & forth one in control

saying I don't know

while the other lies helpless

hanging in the balance

maybe no one can win from this situation.

But when everything is balanced

oh what a feeling rare & divine

of BROTHER & SISTER

LOVER & FRIEND

DADDY/GIRL & MOTHER/BABY

ENTWINED LIKE TWINS

SYMBIOTIC TWINS.

Whatever you wanted, I said okay

Whatever you thought was right

I quickly agreed

But now you've left me here

out in the desert

But I'd do it again

to get you in

But you & I know

I'd do it again

Cause that's the power you have over me

& probably plenty more

It will take someone stronger

to even the score

You're taking your chances baby

You're playing fast & loose

You rip up my pavement

You unhook my caboose

C D

Tell me what you want from me

cause I got to know

Do you want me to hang around

or should I go

You storm in here baby

rearrange my world

you've got everything now

in a swirl

It seemed like you knew what you were doing

I trusted you in this you really had me going

(VERSE A TO G

CHORUS C TO D 2 or 3X stop

to G turn around C C# D (bridge?)

to A for VERSE or C for chorus)

JUST LET THE STRESS

DROP FROM ME. YES.

AH YES! LET IT GO.

KATHY! THE TRUTH

STARTING TO UNFOLD,

SPREAD OUT OF YOUR

PAINTING "BEAST WITH GUITAR".

TOP CIRCLES PULLING APART

LIKE MOLLUSKS, SNAILS BUT

EARTHEN, FLESH SUBSTANCE

AS IN HGH TECH SPECIAL EFFECT

FILMS. OPENING UP

AS I SAT HERE THINK OF

HEPATITIS MAN I MET

AT TRUCK STOP - SHOWING

ME HOW TO DUMP AT STATION

SPOILED MEAT IN THE FRIDGE

OF HIS RV CAMPER, KEPT TALKING

ABOUT THE MISSUS ON THE BED,

NOT THERE, OPENED ONE CABINET

THAT WAS EMPTY, SAID SEE

THAT'S THE MISSUS (MRS)

MAYBE I CONTRACTED HEPATITIS

WHILE WATCHING AND HELPING HIM

ALL I KNOW IS I'M VERY SICK NOW

5:30 TUES AM APRIL 4, 2006

IT'S COMING BACK... CONTRACTIONS

PAIN IN MY LEGS & ARMS...

"ZINC FEELING IN BOWELS"

"ZINC TASTE IN THE THROAT".

GONNA GET REAL WARM

HOPE I GO TO SLEEP

JUST TOOK AN ASPIRIN

WONDER IF THAT PRODUCES

THE "ZINC" SENSATION.

VERY SICK, CAN'T KICK IT.

FEEL LIKE I HAVE THE "ZINCS".

MAGNESIUM SENSATION,

FOOD GOES RIGHT THROUGH ME,

BODY ACHY, HEAD STUFFED UP.

SKULL TENDER, HURTS TO TOUCH IT,

FEELS LIKE UNDERNEATH SKULL

IT IS COLD, FREEZING LIKE ICE,

PROBABLY ALL SYMPTOMS

AND PRODUCT OF HEAD COLD.

ROOSTERS & SIRENS & APRIL FOOLS DAY

I get up out of my sick bed

April 1st, 2006, April Fools Day,

to the sounds

of Roosters & Sirens & Rain.

Christine text messages

that the cats are 10 years old.

Yesterday she text messaged me

that our great friend Cathy

died April 1, 1997.

Odd how as you go through life,

things & events stick to different dates,

APRIL FOOLS DAY, some cruel joke,

prank that is, Cathy's death

to haunt us the rest of our lives

secret societies and monks

in robes plotting in darkness

schemes to further their influence

and power - why anyone believes

their malarky is beyond me.

Guess they were kinda here first

so they got a grip on our belief

system. But it just doesn't hold up

to close scrutiny. Fundamentally

at the core Christianity

expects one to believe

certain ridiculous irrational

quasi supernatural "miracles"

Kings, Wisemen & Shepherds

coming to visit the child

of Joseph & Mary, lying in a manger,

no room in the Inn -

returned to Bethlehem to pay taxes,

To sky in - a carpenter -

staying out with the animals

in the shed, and these people came by.

Catholics go one further,

"Immaculate Conception" -

Joe had nothing to do with it.

His death on the cross

and his resurrection, rising again,

all myth and symbol and a product

of the way people expressed themselves

in that day or era.

Built off of Judaism

& infused with an Italian Romantic twist,

it's understandable

why so many people

cling to Christianity.

And underneath

its principles, its beliefs,

its philosophy is a good one -

the Ten Commandments,

the pacifism & simplicity & love

of JESUS, good principles to live by.

LITTLE COTTAGE

OF MY OWN DEVICES

I live in a little cottage

of my own devices,

with well worn shiny floors

& trinkets & keepsakes all

every last thing meaning something to me

to others not much at all,

but to me, my universe,

all that I know of life...

bits of paper, maps, photographs,

a drawer of loose parts, odds & ends

missing screws & plastic pieces

all of which I know & know well

what they belong to were I to mend them

Yes in my little cottage I live,

with my cat & my dog,

a computer now along

with the TV. And I will

go to sleep now,

HAPPY & CONTENT.

I live in a little cottage

down by the sea.

A rooster crows nearby.

I fall asleep

in the darkness

to dream of love

Loves I have known

& Love that I may know someday

& Love that I feel now.

And Lost in the Eternity of NOW,

I rest & slip into sleep.

"One of the coolest dudes

to rock this planet."

Listening to Indian Music

and hearing birds singing

outside the white latticed porch room

Sitar attuned to nature

the sound of sitar & the sound of birds,

all blend into one music,

world music, the music of life.

the tight fan of green leaves

of bushes and sunlight

a woman peeks in the doorway,

her eyes wet & glistening

her eyes sparkling like jewels

her profile the size of the doorway

as though I am in a miniature dollhouse

she sits & crosses her legs,

takes me & places me on her thigh,

on the crease in here skin between

the thigh and body torso,

wrapped in silk, her fingers

dyed with henna tribal tattoos, designs

she says she's been to a wedding -

and then with me standing

in the palm of her hand, she

lowers me gently

back down to the doorway

of the latticed porch,

and she moves away

vaporizing into the atmosphere -

leaving me with

the sound of the Indian Music.

LOVE, AH, LOVE

vital, mysterious

the tablas like a heartbeat sounding

the amethyst geode casts

purple lilac light,

the color of her clothes,

the smell of her sweet

musky & lavender perfume & body

lingering, mesmerizing me, transfixed

in awe and wonder - the flowers

in the carpet on the bare earth floor

dancing, floating as though in green water.

A cat walks across the flowing carpet,

the carpet as though alive

undulating flowers

blowing in the wind in a field,

in upstate New York, redemption,

new life, new love , new beginning

flowing out of the Himalayas

many sources, steams flowing

down from the mountains,

flowing into one river

one body of truth...

the wind blows comes through

a breeze blows through

the carpet hanging on the large latticed door

Next i will move to the ocean

I will live down by the sea

and I will be merry you will see.

and you can come, if you like, & be with me.

Down by the sea, you and me.

Thinking of the Untouchables,

the Caste System, the Brahmins,

and how I am all of those

as I empty my plastic coffee containers

filled with urine, with piss,

Having no plumbing or running water

in my cottage,

how I am an untouchable,

the lowest of the low,

and yet how exalted

when I raise my voice (in song)

when I write,

when I release my mind

let the Dogs out ...

Oh how they run

in wild imaginings

trips & journeys through

canyons & mountains supreme

the majesty of mountains

and shore, beaches, oceans

all at my command -

being all, possessing nothing,

thereby possessing all.

Two women -one her body

& skin a light bluish brown,

the other with

rosy white skin -

sit in the lotus position,

and myself,

sensing, feeling the earth breathe,

sharing milky wondering songs,

sharing muligutawny soup,

shag motor, vegetable curry dishes,

saffron rice

saffron colored spheres of color

interspersed among the green leaves

all around the fragrant smell of

various bushes all around.

A dressing screen folded at the end

of a bookcase - yes world music,

transports us in mind & body

& soul (spirit) to a higher

plane of awareness, consciousness -

let the mind, the head

swirl in clouds

of white & saffron circles

& mountain ranges all around

& yet still seeing to the oceans

music should always take you somewhere

transport you to another realm

on the wind, another place in time,

another dimension of reality

opening up - seeing things for the first time.

Living on a boat in Bombay,

sipping retsina wine on a Greek Island.

Yes someday, I will visit the world,

MOROCCO, TANGIERS, INDIA, CHINA,

TAHITI, ALASKA, CANADA, CALIFORNIA,

tantric understanding & excess

will be my pleasure

the mosquitoes are beginning

to hatch, soon it will

be unpleasant to sit on

the latticed porch

because the mosquitoes

will want too much of our blood.

April, 2006

My books are a

series of vignettes,

sometimes related sometimes not,

often portraits of people

again sometimes incorporated

& reoccurring in the story

and sometimes not, but still

part of the picture because

everything is part of the picture.

Everything occurs for a reason.

Often these vignettes are a visualization

of someone and many times of a

specific event in their lives

which shape them significantly

or not, but what normally

leaves an impact certainly

an impression on the central

character of the book -

often the stories involve lives

taken as a whole

they can be seen as an odyssey,

a journey of a person's mind-soul

into bodily presence in the world

and possibly before & after

if such exists,

dealing primarily

with what is affecting

them currently, right then

and there, right now, maybe

reflecting elements of recent memory

in their particular life.

Existence & Being is shown

& believed to be two fold.

One, filled with isolation,

loneliness, despair, alienation.

Two, the possibility of

connectedness, of oneness,

of closeness & harmony & love

always exists, and in striving

to feel this we are

obtaining, approaching

our "true" life of fulfillment,

and in the process we begin to

sense "what it is all about".

(Have you ever noticed how

carrots have a similar taste

& consistency of coconuts?)

WHITE HORSE

IF YOU WANNA GO

ROLL ON

I WOULDN'T WANT TO STOP YOU

WHITE HORSE RUN ON

THUNDER ON WHITE HORSE

HOW I LOVE TO WATCH YOU RUN

WE CANNOT HOLD EACH OTHER

IT'S PLAIN TO SEE

HOWLING OF WOLVES

& THUNDER OF HOOVES

PERFECT LOVE THERE'S NO SUCH THING

BUT THIS IS AS CLOSE AS IT GETS

IF YOU FEEL THIS LET'S WASTE NO TIME

IF YOU DON'T, HEAD DOWN THE LINE

I CAN'T TAKE IT BUT HAVE TOO

WHERE ONCE BRIGHT VISIONS

NOW LOST IN INDECISIONS

LET IT ALL UNWIND

ROLL ON THUNDER WHITE HORSE HOOVES

DREAMS, DREAMS ARE FOR DREAMERS

& WE ARE DREAMERS, ROLLING CLOUDS

& WHITE HORSES RUNNING

NEED TO SEE THINGS A CERTAIN WAY

RIGHT OR WRONG I KNEW THEIR NAMES

NOW I ACCEPT THE ROLLING FLOW

KNOW LIFE & LOVE COMES & GOES

I'M ASKING NOTHING

EXPECT NOTHING

WHITE HORSE

BEAUTIFUL MANE.

IF YOU WANNA GO

ROLL ON

I WOULDN'T WANT TO STOP YOU

WHITE HORSE RUN ON

THUNDER ON WHITE HORSE

HOW I LOVE TO WATCH YOU RUN

WE CANNOT HOLD EACH OTHER

IT'S PLAIN TO SEE

HOWLING OF WOLVES

& THUNDER OF HOOVES

Nothing exists, all is change

the whirlpool, you and I

do not exist -

there is only the fire,

the change, the flux

"For the most part we

consider Matter to be

the foundation of Reality.

But if we look carefully

we see we have it backward.

It is not mind or consciousness

that is abstract but matter."

Steve Hagen

from Buddhism Is Not What You Think

Sir Arthur Eddington

physicist & astronomer

"Physics is the study of the structure

of consciousness. The stuff

of the world is mindstuff."

The stream, the flow

the flux and the go,

that is all we have,

not the illusion

of hand, arm, etc,

but the blur of molecules

and change -

the elixir of immortality.

Two views of Reality.

1. All things separate,

distinct objects,

objective, things "out there"

and then us in here

together form the total picture.

In this view we discard

totality in favor of what we can

objectively measure,

count and quantify.

Vast & seductive array

of "objects" shapes, emotions

and measurement tools.

But this view is

not as we actually

experience it, but as how

we think we experience it.

2. Second view is

that the whole picture is

of interest to us, not the

separate parts.

The world is viewed

not as multiplicity

but as unity.

A single whole.

Often people who have had ecstatic

& mystical experiences of Oneness

and Unity confuse this view

with enlightenment.

In the first,

multiplicity and relativity.

In the second,

Oneness and Totality.

In Zen, both views

indispensible,

but neither offers

an accurate picture of reality.

dharmafield.org

I finally understand

it is all an illusion,

e.g., a whirlpool is

constantly changing molecules

its looks etc until you

realize it is just a

distilled snapshot

like a memory

the ice forming in fire

the memory in the mind.

Mind.

Time and space

result from

the way Mind operates.

Where ever I go,

I am here.

Reality is not what you think.

What ever you think is delusional.

True enlightment

is to see this moment

as multiplicity & unity,

both at the same time

as one that is the depth

& dimension to our lives

and the world that we

have been oblivious too.

"Time is an illusion,

albeit a persistent one."

Albert Einstein.

The Transactional Interpretation

of Quantum Mechanics

electron sender

electron responder

occurs at the same time

simultaneously,

believed that responder

sends back

"backwards in time"

every electron

knows where every electron is

knows its exact place

& importance in the universe.

"Having" is not what

life is all about.

To the awakened.

Huang Po said

the wise, the awakened

reject what they think,

not what they see.

Meaning truly see,

not the false messages

of the senses.

"Always changing,

no particular person here."

"Nothing in particular".

"Who wants to know."

Yogi Berra

"Hey Yogi,

what time is it?"

he said,

"You mean now?"

All is change.

All exists.

And All exists

eternally.

It is the stream.

It's okay

to change.

Change is a

beautiful thing.

The Stream,

the flux and flow

and the go,

that is what

we know,

that is who

we know

and we know

that that is

who we are,

and that is what

the world is,

and that is

what the

universe is.

The Stream.

Note****

different titles

Diary of a Mystic

The Cosmic Dance Within

The Stream

All in the Stream

In the Stream of Things

The slice of lemon moon

hung in the deep blue sky

like the glass in the hand

of the woman at the martini bar,

slightly crooked,

about to spill,

the gin sloshing around,

thick clear liquid

up to the rim

and around

in slow motion

but never spilling

out of the martini glass.

Walking along the street,

I felt happy

in my public drunkenness,

having met a young woman

who grew up in Northern California

with no electricity,

and the only problem

they had with the pipe

to the stream which gave them

water

was that occasionally bears

would dislodge it

out of curiosity,

and they would have

to move the pipe

back into the stream.

I walked along happy,

the trees seemed so big

and the dark sky seemed

wide and limitless

and the bright

glistening lemon slice

moon

was so cheerful and radiant.

Ah happiness,

how fleeting are our emotions,

changing shifting constantly.

Two nights later now,

tired, weary,

I feel like giving up,

I really have no reason to live,

and really no desire to live anymore.

I live in constant pain,

physically and emotionally now,

and I don't really see

much reason to keep this up.

I am now living day to day,

hour to hour,

and I've lost all hope.

I can't find a direction

a path that makes sense

that could lead to good feelings.

I've lost all hope.

I've lost all desire.

I just want to rest.

I'm tired of working,

making the same money

for the same job

that I made 20 years ago.

I need a change.

I need a challenge.

I need a new direction.

I need new goals.

New possibilities.

I just feel so old.

I just want peace,

and not to have to work,

and just run out the clock

on the rest of my life.

I'm tired of the struggle

to survive.

I've worked

so hard

my whole life,

and I have nothing.

That's depressing.

Career changes.

Teacher

Tutor

Drug Dealer

Security Guard

Drive a Truck

The Car Business

Try Writing

& Publishing.

What would thrill me?

Making a living

playing music.

Making a living

writing.

Making a living

recording people.

Making a living

as an agent for artists.

Advertising.

Okay!

We've got some things

to go on.

Now go and pursue them.

The yin and the yang.

The up and the down.

In transition.

When I have a direction I am happy.

When I have a dream a goal to pursue,

I am happy.

It doesn't matter if

I realize the dream,

it's the going,

it's the lusting for it,

the drive to reach it,

the will to want it,

the desire to continue.

tomorrow

write the William the Conqueror

chapter of Chronik

Cronk, Crunk

7/6/06

Stephanie's Birthday

20 years old

born in the kitchen

at 8:30 am

July 6, 1986

Stephanie Ann Ryan

my step daughter

FLY HOME ANGEL

KNIVES & TEETH GLEAMING

GUNS BLAZING IN FIERY SUNS

OF HATE IN YOUR EYES

HELL'S SKIES BLOODY!

LOVE LIKE A FRAIL MAIDEN

A VIRGIN SACRIFICED

TO YOUR BLOOD LUST,

TAKING DOWN THE JAZZ

GREATS & ROCK PANTHEON.

FINDING EVERYTHING.

FINDING LOVE.

LOSING EVERYTHING,

EVEN LOVE.

More than I could take.

Inevitable, the far away look in your eyes,

you could not stop it.

SOUL SCREAM... HOWL...

BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM...

EDWARD MUNCH MEETS GINSBERG...

Lying in wait, preying

on vulnerability softness,

and off you'd run into

the private recesses

of your retreat, the places

you always go to escape

it all, the complete

chemical vacation where

no one can reach you and

nothing can do you any harm.

LOVE? ME? ANYONE? ANYTHING?

Powerless you float past

specter like & go you must.

GONE, leaving those on the shore

sad empty confused.

Angel flying home.

I am accepting of this.

You have to be.

FLY AWAY ANGEL.

FLY HOME ANGEL,

ANGEL FLY HOME.

You were waiting

by the lighthouse

on Lake Ontario

True love in your eyes

As true & blue as the skies

Crimson streak at sunset

like the true feelings

coursing through your veins,

feelings of love

for me and I know this

recognize it

for my feelings flow

as easily as doves

to you, you - sky

Earth & Sky

Rim of the lake,

yesterday a man a thief

came over across the lake

was killed in a bar in Sodus Point.

When a thief crosses,

no one is happy,

there is no bliss.

ALL IS GONE. THE FOUR HORSEMEN

TRAMPLE FAINT LOVE IN MUD

& BLOOD & HOOF ONWARD.

You could not help it anymore.

FLY HOME ANGEL

BLAKEAN VISIONS

Cleopatra, Isis, Marilyn

CASCADING in a technicolor

swirl of Joseph's Coat of Many Colors

technicolor coat

through trees & streams

of Light & Honey

seeking redemption, Truth, Light.

Feeling its warmth

like a blind man feels

The sun unseen

Intimations, revelations,

Stampeding 4 Horsemen

stretch with foaming nostrils

in Boudoirs, Brothels,

and back alleyways

of Paris, New York,

Harrisburg, Four Horsemen

Trampling through bloody

sinewy strewn fields

of lies & deceit, lies & lies & lies...

LOVE GROWS WEAK WHERE THERE IS NO TRUST.

Be One With The Heat

In dreams' clouds

I teeter totter across the room

I weave walk

I weavingly walk

without will or woe

in this heat wave

hitting the whole

east coast,

97 in Syracuse,

97 in New York City,

who knows what it is

here in Georgia,

but I know

for one thing

my brain

is fully cooked,

yep you could

serve it up

like a roast beef

or a pork butt

picnic roast...

sizzzzzzzzz...

sizzle

don't fight it

be one with the heat

In Cloudy Dreams

cloudy dreams shroud

all clarity

vagueness

is perpetual

a cosy and comforting

fog

smoothes all the corners

cries of the seagulls

in the mist

grit of sand

in toes & teeth

sunsets in Hawaii

moonbeams in Tennessee

crystal waters of

the Salmon River

in California

spawning Salmon

leaping bounteously

for you

for your life

upstream

into your lap

your boat

your basket

At The Wooden Nickel

Alright

Wake up!

Shouted the musician,

the entertainer.

There's gonna be

a bus load of drunk women

showing up at midnight.

With this announcement

most of the drunks

around the bar

sat up a little straighter

and were like alright

that seems like a good idea

let me have another drink

to prepare myself

for their arrival...

meanwhile

the ladies

where having a rolling

birthday party

for the twins

JoJo & Janet.

The Entertainer

had been informed

that most of the women

on the bus

were gay,

but hey

that's okay

even Millie Smith

at the bar

didn't mind

whatever

even Diane

just shrugged it off

and sipped

her vodka

salmon sunrise,

but all that

seemed unnecessary

perhaps even rude

to announce

over the PA system...

so he left that out...

so when the bus rolled in

everybody was primed and ready

and drinking and dancing

and incoming

filing in one by one

was the bus load

of drunken women

and everybody was feeling

pretty good actually

banging on tambourines

and cowbells

and smoking cigarettes

and they sang

happy birthday

and they danced

down to the ground

and they ate the layered cake

and skinny red headed Kathy

was showing her new tattoo

surrounding her belly button

at which point

the entertainer said

now what I want to see

is who has a tattoo

on their ass

and good lord

what a commotion

that caused

women from front

to back

where turning around

bending over

and dropping their drawers

For all the tips and drinks

nothing meant more to the band

than Millie saying

"Y'all are really good."

in her slow sweet Southern drawl,

as she would walk up,

position herself,

and begin swinging her arms

and kicking her feet up...

her son was a classical pianist

and had been commissioned

to write an Irish song

for the Atlanta symphony...

down at the Wooden Nickel...

tapping out a song,

trying to make a dollar...

Thank you.

7/15/06

during the great heat wave

of July 2006

"Never underestimate

the greatness and richness

of each and every individual.

Everyone's life is an ornate

tapestry woven with intricate details

of survival, of happiness and joy

and triumph and sadness and tragedy...

like Pat, sweet Pat,

whose son David was shot & killed,

"he was some place he shouldn't have been."

That's the way she described it.

He was thirty four, her baby.

Here we go,

on down the line.

1/4/05

SITTING WITH A MIGRAINE

LISTENING TO TRAINS

PASSING IN THE NIGHT

DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT.

MEXICANS ALL AROUND

THERE'S NO WORK IN THIS TOWN.

TIME TO LEAVE

TIME TO MOVE ON

ME & THE DOG

CROUCHING IN THE COLD

NO WHERE TO GO

I G UESS ME & THE DOG

WILL HAVE TO PART NEXT.

This town was wild

This town was wide open

This town was a Boomtown.

It's so sedate now.

7/18/06

Riding through the city,

Atlanta, my how it has grown

and filled in,

very modern, post modern as they say,

angular skyline and street level views

quite spectacular.

It makes me very depressed

to the point of crying

feeling that I lost what I had

gave up my house,

this real estate

that is going to be worth so much...

it's a new world around here...

oh well the truth is

I don't own anything here anymore,

but the problem is I would like to own a little something,

this place is growing in a good way,

but maybe for younger people than me...

need to find a place suitable for people my age

and in my economic status

which is virtually non existent

non existent strata of society...

not quite homeless

but I certainly feel homeless

and don't know what to do...

I need to get over this feeling I have...

over the alienation...

no time for that

just have this now

and soon it will all be over

before you know it

don't cry over spilled milk

and get on with it now

happy now happy now

don't worry about the future...

get out of the funk

get on with my junk

don't be a punk

be happy to be alive

enjoy this

be a tourist

a visitor every day

filled with wonder

it is a new place

a new world,

that is what is odd

about Atlanta

it is always changing

so rapidly.

Find a place

for older people.

Maybe New York.

Some place

to settle down.

Not here.

8+ months

since I've had a cigarette.

less than 8 years

til retirement at 62.

go for it.

hang the moon.

ha!

what do I have to loose?

well, my freedom,

if I go illegal.

But otherwise

might as well go for it.

Try some new things.

At least apply for jobs.

Teacher.

Sales, auto parts.

Home Depot.

Ace.

Online.

Somebody will hire me.

Make a plausible resume.

Say I have worked for The Mariel Company

Since 1986.

That would be 20 years.

Begin this tomorrow.

Pull your hair back and go.

ENTRY

7/20/06

This week returned

to reading and writing.

Working everyday.

Then get home

make food, and turn on the computer.

Get some writing done.

That is the key for me.

Feeling much better.

Starting to save money

and feeling good about that too.

Stephanie is making

her friend G

crab legs tonight

its midnight

I wish she was making

them for me

8/3/06

OH MY

SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED

D fell off the wagon big time

now seeking help

bible studies and church,

hopefully it will work for her,

I feel good about it.

City of Dreams

the book

is lagging behind the others.

I need to get it up to speed.

Find the chapters and get it entered here.

Work becoming very hard.

Steve expecting too much.

Electric etc.

Gotta let some things go.

Let him know.

I can't switch gears too well.

Take one project at a time and complete it.

Trying to get better.

Let things go.

Don't worry so much.

Maybe.

Gums bleeding

nose bleeding

throat hurts.

Don't know

what's wrong.

Tired.

Terrible heat wave

up and down

the east coast.

8/6/06

Sunday

Wow how far we have come

I'm entering a chapter of a book

into the computer,

while listening to

traditional persian music

information explosion

it's all there

at our fingertips now

amazing

movin' on

and doin' good

got ta be

got ta be real

just chill

and you will

break thru

keep doin'

whatcha doin'

gettin' in a zone

and wanna stay there

that's what i need

ta do

persian style

smooth

soothe

exotic

sacred feminine

go wash your feet

i do not like a smelly woman

(or a smelly man for that matter either, ha)

a musky woman

her own beautiful odors yes

but not stinky

ha!

wash those feet girl

you lying there

beautiful rosy white skin

thick shapely body

langourously lying

odorously alluring

blue diamond eyes

exotic and sleepy

thick red hair

tumbling across pillow

and shoulders,

pink areola of your breasts

creamy whiteness of your belly

the sweet thick smells

from your soft red pubic hairs

the niagra falls

within you

gushing

never

blushing

flushing

all

radiance

supreme

elliptical halo

nimbus

aureola

around you

divine

but real

I can smell you

a thousand miles away

a thousand thoughts a day

nothing ever gets in the way

you are here to stay

in my heart, my mind,

my soul, my body

exotic flutes

drums

strings

of persia

bejeweled princess

you are my daughter

i your father

and i love you

like a lover

though i will never touch you

i love you

deeply like a lover

think not ill of me

and i know you don't

for this you know

my feelings for you

your happiness

is all i want

but if it is like you say on the phone

please wash your feet

exotica

erotica

deeper still

our love grows

the exotic music

sounds above the city

echoing like the love

within you

radiating

echoing outward

as you shutter

ah ah ah ah oh

ahh ah ah ahh oh

a a a a ohhh

that is you

you make me laugh

you tell all

all the details

of your love life

you tell to me

you know what you are doing

you know you are keeping me

ah the music

echoes on the steps

on the buildings

down streets

into the mind

shaking rattling stirring

feelings of sex and love

tantric liaisons

mergings sharings

passing back and forth of love

until shutters and sighs

of lovers die

in the night

into the silence

of starry sleep

Hotel from behind the counter

Construction trade

john's ideas for a book

"The TVs Not Working"

short story or chapter from hotel

lady keeps calling

saying the tv is not working

each time it is fixed by the night manager,

and each time she unhooks something else

first time looking sexy

second time in pajamas

third time in a sheet

fourth time humping the refrigerator

whatever

The Pink Hotel

or The Hotel Chronicles

great idea for a book

The saffron sun

sets in the west

calling all to rest

after the work day is done.

The air is hot and still, exotic.

This is now

pretty much a tropical zone

due to global warming.

But August Heat

in Georgia has always been brutal.

Makes one talk a little slower, a little smoother.

Like a bourbon mint julep,

branch water preferred,

an easy soothe ooze.

But of course now with air conditioning

the slow langourous south is gone,

a non descript entity

of anyone, anywhere

in America.

Air conditioning.

Walmart.

McDonald's.

Home Depot.

I think of you...

of what is...

and what could be.

I'm falling asleep

after a day in this heat.

Oh how I would like to be with you.

Just to be together.

Time rolls on.

And the loves, ah the loves

the loves experienced

and the loves lost...

ah the loves...

MON 8/7/06

THE MOON SHINES

THROUGH THE TREES

I'M GETTING MY SELF BACK

BEGINNING TO FEEL IT AGAIN

COMING BACK CONFIDENT

ON THE VERGE OF COCKINESS

BUT REALLY MORE JUST

SUPER ENERGIZED EXCITEMENT

ABOUT EVERY MOMENT EVERY THING

EVERY BREATH AND MOTION

NEED TO PUSH THINGS A LITTLE MORE

AND WHILE WORKING SAVE MONEY

CAUSE THIS SITUATION WITH STEVE

MAY NOT LAST DOESN'T SEEM THE SAME

ANY MORE SINCE HE GOT HIS MEXICANS

OH WELL I SPIT AND GO ON...

IF THIS JOB PLAYS OUT,

I'M HEADING TO NEW YORK,

OR FLORIDA, OR THE MOUNTAINS,

TENNESSEE, GULF SHORES,

NEW MEXICO, ARIZONA,

OREGON, NORTHERN CALIFORNIA...

SOMEWHERE ELSE...

STORE THE FURNITURE AND HIT IT...

ASK MATTHEW WHAT AGENCY DID HE USE

TO GET TEACHING JOB...

CRAIG'S LIST?

MAY HAVE...

8/8/06

TUESDAY

WRITTEN WHILE SITTING IN THE SUN

(DOING SUN THERAPY)

AND DOING BREATHING EXERCISES

(ALSO KNOWN AS MEDITATING)

SUBDUE THE MIND

A Breathing Exercise

Breathe in through your nose,

out through your mouth

while rhythmically thinking

of each of the thoughts below

THE POWER OF LOVE

Breathe in & Breathe out all Bad Thoughts

Breathe in and let go of all Negativity

Believe in the Power of Love

Believe in the Power of People

Believe in the Power of the Sun

Believe in the Power of Forgiveness

Believe in the Power of Forgetfulness

Believe in the Power of Fun

Believe in the Power of Your Life

Believe in the Power of All Life

Believe in the Power of Other People's Lives

Believe in the Power of the Rain

Respect your Own Life

Respect other People's Lives

Respect all Life in all Forms

The Butterfly, the Plant

The Essence that is in the Rock

and in the Excrement (maybe leave this out for now)

Breathe the Air

Feel the Air

INTO THE MYSTIC

into the open

beyond

going beyond

when the mind snaps

in fulfillment

of what it is

all

with all

in all

being all

all

and all

is nothing

and nothing

is all

completeness

of the cycle

complete vision

belonging

gone

here

GONE HERE NOW

"I'M GONE."

"WHERE R U GOING?"

"I'M GOING HERE?"

WHEN R U GOING?"

"I'M GOING NOW."

"IN FACT I'M GONE."

"I'M HERE NOW."

I WAS THERE

BUT NOW I'M HERE

RIDDLES

OF EXISTENCE

(GOOD NAME FOR A TITLE)

BUKOWSKI

IS RIGHT

or Taking Notes

On the Universe

If you are one who thinks

okay now I'm going to write a poem

and it will be like a poem,

that's not it.

You've missed it.

Poetry is what just comes swinging out

like the boom of a sail,

and wacks you in the head,

like a vine in the woods,

its thorns cutting in your neck

like the crunching of steel

in an accident on the highway

it could have been our time

to end in the twisted steel

but it was their time...

just let it flow out of you

and some of the flow

might be good

and some of it mediocre

but the flow

is the miracle

coming out

coming through you

you just coloring it

or just writing it down

taking notes

on the universe

Deepak Chopra

Language as an abstract

that can create material reality

Unconditioned Spirit

Potentiality of Energy and Information

Out of the Spirit

Emerges the Mind

The mind is the "ordering"

behavior patterns

of the spirit

Language

constitutes the material building blocks

of reality

according to Chopra

Language is the impulse

of energy and information

"Let there be Light"

"Li" the root

light, luce, lex, language,

the eye of truth

primordial words

primordial sounds

information and energy

same images

same insights

dimension

to the dimensionless

field of pure potentiality

eternity

takes shape from space and time

time is born of eternity

disturbance in consciousness

that which comes into being

sanskirt word

"word"

matter information and energy

are borne of language

which is a disturbance in the quantum field

time

quantified eternity

to come

from nothingness

to come into being

Mother

Devil

God

Zen Mediation

Shine

Language

is the maker of reality

verbal and preverbal

sound and information

memory and energy

verbal language

just a more sophisticated version

of the sounds and information

and energy that is in nature

Nature thinks

and nature thinks

through sound and vibration

Pythagorus

said a stone

is frozen music

frozen sound

Zen

matter comes from the void

and the void creates through sound and vibration

the void is matter

and matter is the void

Words

are symbols

that express

awareness, thoughts emotions

explosion of potential

and energy

into reality

ephemeral and abstract

peace harmony and laughter & knowledge

can also heal

Words

a thought

a molecule

into your consciousness

and your unconsciousness

Forces of Nature

1. Forces of Light

Good & Knowledge

2. Forces of Ignorance

of Darkness & Destruction

Krishna is the knowledge

of the higher self

it all depends

on the individuals

evolution in consciousness

and learning

Waking

Dreaming

And Sleep states of the Consciousness

According to the Gita

Ultimate message is

that we are the makers of reality

Reality flows out of us

like dreams from a dreamer

like light from a bonfire

Imprisoned in

the hunted alleys

and torture chambers

of our own mind

pronounced

Bahgwa Gita

Bhagavad Gita

Bhagwat Geeta

the gita

has the

4 noble truths

free yourself

from the craving of all desires

to reach the transcendent

Hinduism

perhaps the most

elaborate and embroidered

of all the religions

but a very passionate

and alluring tapestry

very exotic

blood flowing

through the

mental constructs

making it very appealing

Energy and Information

have to be exchanged

in order to bring about

a transformation in the field

Dharma Poems

Spiritual Poems

Tao or Chi

Chi Hookups

Ridin the Chi

Surfin Chi

Chi Surfin

Rolln with the Chi

Chi Changes

Changes of Chi

When I've run

the last mile

of the thousands

of miles I've run

down the roads

of my life

and existence,

I only have one thing

to say

and that is

that I loved you

and that is all that matters

and if there is one thing

that is allowed

for the spirit energy

to take

it is that love

for it is what makes it all worthwhile

Know the self

be one with the self

be the self

be thyself

merge in oneness

with all

it does not matter

if you are a true yogi

or a saint

or a truck driver

just be in touch

with your inner being

and the energy

of spirituality

flowing within you

and all around you

and flowing everywhere

in the universe

be one with this energy

it is what binds us all together

Equanimity

a peaceful calm within

composure

one who has peace & calmness

Divine Manifestation

within you

prime cause

all feeling

emanates from

original energy

all thought

all action

from The Gita

the self

seated

in the heart

of all beings

i am

consciousness

celestial force

celestial elephant

sacred cow

progenitor of serpents

the lion

the sacred bird

the alligator

beginning & end

& the middle

i am

the sustainer of all

goodness & evil

of secrets i am silence

the small self

& the large self

gods are symbols

of states of consciousness

8/2006

things moving along

love so much

but very depressed

feel alone

need someone to share

moments, hours, days, or nights

with me...

not doing anything special,

just living

bone cracking thunder

heat lightning

midnight

rain falling

coming through the roof

of the little cottage

the shack

oh well...

r&r

rest and relax

hard day,

last day jacking

the dorothy house...

moving on...

great my space pages

like the people

and profiles there,

very cool people

have had fun

hanging out with Joy

Joy McKinney

Joy Elaine Mckinney

or simply

J O Y LANE

got pictures of her at david's place

very cool

got together with

bill, neal, and roddey,

with judy and me...

sounded awesome...

hopefully something will come out of that...

August 2006

AH The SACRED FEMININE

is still always first in my mind

though I try to think of others,

still she hovers over me,

just a child,

but somehow she commands me,

she calls me and tells me everything,

talking about, ha, maybe let him

bust a nut in my ass,

stuff like that...

what am I supposed to do?

she's so silly...

but we love each other...

bound together somehow,

father daughter

but somehow friends

intimate details

she shares with me

more than anyone else

I know it all,

she tells me

keeps her centered I guess

I'm like her diary...

her therapist

(that's a scary thought)

she just got a job at the state fair

we'll she how that goes...

all the guys go crazy for her...

her rosy red skin, her red hair

her frank direct manly voice

as she calls it...

i got him pussy whipped

na, i got him ass whipped...

that's the way she talks sometimes,

other times so wise,

other times sweet,

child like,

got an old soul

in a hip hop mind

and a nineteen year old girl's body

yeah gettin she's gettin all she needs,

whoa! need to slow down baby...

still the fantasy of our being together is there,

in my mind, she always says no!

but even my wife had a dream

that The Sacred Feminine and I

had a baby.

Who knows.

It's all so crazy.

I let it go most of the time,

but it is still there...

the feelings between us,

or at least the feelings

that I have for her.

I don't know why,

but I love it

when she talks dirty to me,

although her comments

are never directed to me,

still she tells all

and knows she's getting to me.

This is only a spiritual reality.

It is not a material reality.

Only spiritual where

all is possible,

and indeed all is,

yes,

where

all is.

I need to slow down with work,

It's wearing me out.

My hands, my legs, my knees ache.

I need to slow down with the work.

Squirrels jumping

from limb to limb

like my mind

jumping from thought

to thought

Squirrels jump

from limb to limb.

My mind jumps

from thought to thought.

wondering...

oh well it's all good

as it works out, sorts out

self cleansing

shower

THE HEART SUTRA*

THE SUTRA OF THE GREAT WISDOM GONE BEYOND*

From the depths of prajna wisdom

The Bodhisattva of Compassion saw into the emptiness

of every construct

and so passed beyond all suffering.

Knowing then that in such depths

form is only emptiness

emptiness only form.

Form is emptiness, emptiness form.

This is true of feelings, impulses

and the rest of consciousness.

All these by their very nature, are emptiness,

being neither born nor dying, stained nor pure,

waxing or waning.

So in emptiness is there neither form,

feelings, perceptions, impulses or consciousness.

No eye, ear, nose, tongue, body or mind.

No form sound smell taste touch or object of mind.

No element of sight nor any other element of consciousness.

No ignorance, no old age or death.

No extinguishing of ignorance, old age or death.

No suffering, no beginning or end, no past.

No wisdom, no attainment.

The Bodhisattva who dwells in this perfect realm

attains nothing, is not entrapped by delusions, fantasies.

And where there are no such obstacles, there can be no fear.

Now, beyond all delusions,

one reaches ultimate nirvana.

Having practiced this same Great Wisdom Gone Beyond

All Buddhas in the past have come to supreme enlightenment.

Knowing then that this peerless mantra,

this true mantra of highest wisdom

unfailingly relieves all suffering.

And so proclaim it:

Gone, gone beyond, gone altogether beyond.

Awakening, fulfilled!

Heart of Great Wisdom!

*In this Sutra, Bodhisattva forged

an irrevocable link between the direct experience

of emptiness, SUNYATA, and

PRAJNA, the basic insight

of indivisible oneness.

This Sutra is regarded as kind of

a distillate of all of Buddha's teachings.

... from ZEN AND THE BRAIN

TO HEAR THE CRICKETS

To hear the crickets

and feel the warm

languid lugubrious

air of a summer night

to see the sky

through the trees

hear a train rolling in the distance

and thoughts of you flowing

Daylight slammed in

like so much steel

in a head on collision,

legs crushed in the twisting

knarled heap,

the mind in shock

does not receive messages

from the legs,

sitting smiling laughing

not even wondering

glad to be alive

little or not traumatic head injury,

pure luck,

the kind policeman

waiting by your side

until the rescue unit comes

the jaws of life,

the real cutting tool of the dawn

clamors and creaks into action,

daylight and the multitude

scurries about like roaches

on the kitchen counter landscape

of the city, quick breakfast,

waking up, making money...

it has always seemed to me

that there is a certain hush

in the morning,

a veil of sleep and night

like gauze

hanging hazy over the day

the brain not yet acting

in full gear

synapses not firing

quite right,

and it seems to me

that many crucial decisions

are made in the world

in the morning

when focus is high

but stress levels are off the charts

and the brain not yet

firing quite right

is forced to make

monumental decisions...

but thank God

for shock

he is taken to the hospital

and smartly still refuses

to look at his legs

dangling like

octopus tentacles

useless now

his brain like

a great squid

still alert furtive

eyes the surgical team

with a jaundiced eye

waves of anesthesia

adult world

overcomes him

and he's gone

doesn't exist

for the time being...

flat line in the mind

i fell in love

with a psychopath

the psychopath

wears

a mask of sanity

showing concern

only learned

no consciousness

of a conscience

and

then

it hit me

like a freight train

in the night

she was a psychopath

a true blue

psychopath

characteristics of a psychopath

no guilt

low emotional recognition

shallow emotional response

living off others or predatory attitude

poor self control

promiscuous sexual behavior

lack of realistic long term goals

impulsive lifestyle

irresponsible behavior

blaming others for your actions

breaking parole or probation

varied criminal activity

superficial charm

self centered & self important

need for stimulation & prone to boredom

deceptive behavior & lying

conning & manipulative

always on verge of personal chaos

continually doing wrong things

and only worried when afraid

she was going to get caught

but never changing

possibly genetic

possibly impossible to change

every characteristic fit her perfectly

it was like

oh my god!

i fell in love

with a psychopath

a chill

went through my bones

filling a basketball

up with air

It's been a while.

I had to track

down the needle,

and the pump,

but I did find them,

and two basketballs,

one light blue with white stripes,

and one black,

some silly signature model,

leroy neiman paintings

all over it...

hey, they're basketballs...

As I add some spit

to the needle

and insert it inside

the ball,

i think...

I used to smoke opium

and play basketball

on outdoor courts

in the shadow

of the United Nations Building

in New York City...

It was great fun,

I was young, healthy,

I'd rub the brown goo

on a cigarette,

and we'd play games,

3 on 3,

or full court

5 on 5,

gliding down the court

with ease,

almost slow mo it seemed

Al Schwartz

short guard from Queens,

feisty and not afraid to mix it up inside,

always taking it to the hoop,

and Ron Coar,

6'7" black dude,

messenger at the ad agency,

played at North Carolina,

but had issues,

drugs,

but a thing of beauty

a creature of beauty

on the court...

one with the ball

one with the court

one with the air

one with the hoop...

gliding, all locked

in a rhythm

like a dance...

the sun streamin

through the hearty sycamores

one of the few urban trees'

capable of surviving in such a harsh environment.

Yep,

smoking opium

& playing basketball

the United Nations Building

right there beside us.

Nothing is the Answer

Blue Azure infused

with warmth and light of the sun...

breathing.... breathe in..................breathe out...

Dogs walk lazily across the landscape.

The heart slows to a minimum.

Flies orbit,

The sun's heat is intense,

then cools.

Pure Mind.

Moving toward

the empty landscape

beyond the dry salt lakes...

Breathing...... breathe in..............breathe out....

About to go Beyond....!

The cell phone rings.

It's mad monk Matt Patrick.

I tell him I was doing my breathing exercises

and I was 3 seconds away from Nirvana.

He says "Well you're talking to me now,

I am Nirvana."

It IS a joke.

Talk about guitars a bit

and hang up.

I get up and go to write this down.

Who can describe

the cube like void

of the empty landscape?

Maybe Matt was right.

9/4/06

Labor

Day

My Mother, 93

Living Her Life

My Mother, 93,

93 years old.

They take her with them.

They bring her down from Virginia

this time to my niece's house

outside of Atlanta.

There she is,

diminutive lady

stooped over...

but the swept back white hair,

2 1/2 - 3 inches long

sweeping up & back

a wave of experience,

insight...

They all love her,

and the eyes -

the lively, loving, inquisitive eyes,

the eyes that can barely see

but the will & desire to see

so strong

overcoming macular degeneration,

same with the failing hearing,

summoning something inside

clarity, focus

to hear when it is important

to hear.

She likes to think

she is independent.

She depends on my sister so much

but likes to think she is independent.

She was always a strident, independent woman.

My sister feels unappreciated

I try to console her,

saying she's accepted you

and your help

as part of her Self

so when she's frustrated

she takes it out on you.

Just try to be objective,

and not take it personally...

Easy for me to say,

Wretched Son that I am.

But there she is,

still traveling,

going places,

living her life.

9/4/06

Labor Day.

The Inevitable

Is Here.

Very Worried

I am very worried

about Deba.

Lost her place to live,

even the "borrowed" car.

Sounds very down hearted,

dejected,

never heard her so depressed.

At her sister's...

but has to be gone tomorrow...

where can she go.

She has no place to say...

"You'll figure something out"

I say encouragingly.

"You always do."

But she sounds

like I've never heard her before.

She's gone through

so many jobs,

so many living situations,

such a hard worker

but always takes

the wild vacation

in her brain,

infusion of drugs,

all the money she can get

her hands on,

doesn't matter

whose money it is

when the sickness hits,

it takes her over,

no stopping her,

altered state,

fugue state,

no one,

not even herself,

can stop her...

I've seen it so many times...

Now she is in Syracuse

I hope she can figure it out...

but I'm not sure

she's really hit rock bottom yet.

All the money

I spent on her,

supporting her etc,

all the money

I sent her,

it obviously doesn't help,

only postpones the inevitable,

seems like the inevitable

has arrived.

The Inevitable

Is Here.

Religion.

Bible Studies.

Hoped it would help.

Didn't think it would.

It didn't work.

I try to get her to do

breathing exercises...

but she will hear

nothing from me,

except maybe the assurance

that I love her...

I'm here for her as a friend

mentally, emotionally, spiritually,

in her hour of need.

At least I try to be.

The Cicadas Sing

So they say.

They start up

a high rattling sound

building louder

and sustaining

for about

5 to 10 seconds.

But in those seconds,

you are a part of that world.

You cannot block it out.

Such a frequency.

My Baby,

Living at the Salvation Army

I am so sad today.

My girl, my lovely one,

she called from Syracuse,

without complaint.

She's living at the Salvation Army.

I cry and I cry.

My baby,

living at the Salvation Army.

I guess it's for the best.

She's working,

and going to N.A. meetings.

Maybe it took this,

for her to hit bottom

as they say,

but I can't help but cry.

Yes, if she keeps working on it,

maybe she will heal herself,

and we can be together again.

I just hate for it to be this way.

Yes, you can say all you want.

Say it's her own fault,

say she deserved it,

but it doesn't ease my pain.

I know her,

she doesn't deserve that.

No one does.

Oh the tears

running down my face.

Mama,

she's at the Salvation Army.

She had no where to go.

9/13/06

Now the latest news

I find out Chia

her little chihuahua

is living with Sasha,

Debbie's friend.

That doesn't sound bad

except for the fact

that she lied to me

and told me Chia

was at her sister's...

and for the fact

that she has told me

Sasha is the one

that influences her

down the road of ruin

of taking every last penny

she can get her hands on

and buying drugs

$80,

$300,

it doesn't matter,

she will spend it all

for the high...

for Sasha

it's okay,

she's living on a trust fund,

her dad a famous comedian...

ah, I guess it's okay

for Debbie too...

I have to just

believe that,

believe that she is doing

what she needs to do

for herself...

no matter what that is...

9/21/06

Christine

is now on myspace.

How cool.

Getting messages

from around the world,

from the cosmos,

and then

from

Christine

too.

How

Cool.

A Tree in Latvia

We are not as good as we think we are.

Cancer is the proof of that.

And Aids.

We can do all this stuff,

fly to the moon,

etc,

but cancer is that step

that is beyond our technology.

And there will always be

something beyond our technology.

So we need to slow down

and think about what we are doing

instead of thinking

"aw, we'll figure it out later,

we will devise something to overcome

any obstacle we create.

The key there is

that fact that most of our problems now

are problems we created.

Our atmosphere,

global warming,

the waters of the earth,

so polluted, some say contaminated,

cancer,

all caused by the fires of technology.

I guess it is a good thing

we are pretty insignificant

in terms of the vastness of the universe.

We can only mess up so much.

Some believe the large

pharmaceutical/medical/insurance

complex has so much riding on cancer

that they have suppressed the "cure".

Some believe there is a seed

from a tree that grows in Latvia,

and it alone is the true cure for cancer.

You can believe it or not.

It is important for most people to have hope.

For some it is important to be in the moment,

seeing things as they truly are.

10/1/06

Moving into the cold.

Weather starting to change.

Sooooo much has happened.

Home, the website,

for my writing,

is really taking shape.

Enjoying the process.

Christine hanging in there.

Got computer working etc.

Debbie pretty much bottomed out.

Hopefully she is on her way back up.

I love her.

Stephanie as of last week,

had a huge black eye

from Alan Harper,

her "boyfriend".

She sure doesn't need any enemies.

I think she is starting to see the light.

Her first love,

okay so she fell in love with him,

she didn't know he would be abusive,

she was just a kid,

what did she know,

she loved,

and covered up the bruises

on her arms, on her neck, on her body,

occasionally a teacher would notice them,

and they sent her to the counselors,

and summoned her grandmother to the school.

For three years

she has loved him

and taken the abuse.

Hopefully she is seeing beyond now.

I pray and meditate

that she is going beyond this abusive relationship now.

A frantic email from Debbie

asking to come back home.

She is so hurt, but she has hurt herself.

In your life, build goodness brick by brick.

At first it won't seem like much, just a few bricks,

but eventually it will add up to something...

and you know what, soon

you can build a house with those bricks.

Music is coming around

Whozrolling

is starting to work well,

got some old grooves going,

people responding well.

Gigging a lot,

great stories.

Later.

MOODS LIKE CLOUDS

A bright day

& all is right

with the world

& with my Love...

She lies in the leaves

on a hill above the lake

Then suddenly

ominously

dark clouds of suspicion

roll in & all

the hell of existence

comes racing, screaming out

demons guilt doubt

paranoia worthlessness

wail about, always triggered

unlocked unleashed

like a gun in my face,

stabbing my chest,

slashing & riddling my soul

shredding in until what

was a whole & vibrant &

wholesome body is drained

of blood, all hacked up

& dismembered. Disjointed

I cannot think. How did

I get in this situation

what is wrong with me

for surely there is something

very seriously wrong with me

you play my heart like a violin

you area virtuoso

when you stop playing

I hardly notice

so spellbound & stunned

by your performance.

But in the silence

as it continues

thunder rolls from

far away and a creeping

feeling of being afraid slowly

crawls up my spine

clouds of love & delight

clouds of anger & hatred

flow thru me

because of you.

Why? Is this love?

Forces of good

forces of evil

the evil you have

to keep away

Tried my best

to save her

but she kept

drifting away

hell bent on destruction

there was no stopping her.

So much for Supreme Beings

I am a Supreme Being

I am a God in a way

You are a God in a way.

But there are so many things

greater than me.

Power is a mind melt.

I am insignificant.

Instability - out of control -

I think such wonderful things

wonderful loving things

& suddenly I realize that the

person I love is conning me,

being untrue & unfaithful to me.

I have truly met my match.

Someone who is shifty & sleazy

and changes moods like clouds.

UP AT THE RESERVOIR

AT SUNSET

WATCHING THE CLOUDS

RACE BY

JUMP

CHECKERBOARD CLOUDS

CLOUDS JUMP LIKE CHECKERS

SUN & THE MOON UP

WATCHING THE CLOUDS

JUMP OVER

THE SUN & THE MOON

LIKE CHECKERS

RADIO TOWERS BEAMING

DOWN AFRIK RYDDYMS

JA JA JA JAZZ!

ME IN A LITTLE HONDA

DARK RED INTERIOR

BLACK STEERING WHEEL

SILVER OUTSIDE

LITTLE HONDA

HELP ME RONDA

JANE FONDA

WITH EACH PASSING SEASON

MY HEART BREAKS MORE

WITH EACH PASSING DAY

MY SADNESS GROWS

TO THINK OF YOU

WHICH ONCE BROUGHT SUCH HOPE,

NOW BRINGS ETERNAL WOE.

WHITE LILIES.

DIANA'S FUNERAL 9/6/97

HEARSE COVERED WITH FLOWERS

DREAMS multitudinous, cascading

through my subconscious like rain

falling through the spacelessness.

I cannot recreate the beauty

I have seen & touched & felt.

I am a little God like all things

animate & inanimate

all things are alive

don't try to tell me otherwise

spaced out. I understand

the divisions but disagree

with the principle,

the theory is faulty.

All things have a Life of their own,

a rock, a plant, a person, even

man make objects - and these,

the man made things have

a stranglehold on us.

DREAMS LIBIDINOUS

a guitar player I know

standing at a counter

saying that he understands

the former wife of a another

guitar player, Danny, works there,

and asks when she will be working.

The man tell him and goes on to explain

how strange she is, how she gives

you satisfaction but is never

in the room with you,

almost like an X Ray technician

does her job from behind a

lead panel.

CIRCLES or SWIRL

Crescent moon over the city

and I think about my love

How it changes so quickly

like computer technology

like the clouds passing above

As I hear the sounds of a new day

crawling into action

& sense the lasers run

in fiber optic fields.

I still feel how wonderful it is

to be with you. The whirl

as it begins. Fans cooling

Discs swirling around & around

this circular motion - primary motion

in the beginning there was a swirl,

and you and I met

& so began our world.

She said

be careful what you ask for

cause you just might get it, or

cause you will probably get it.

I am truly lost now

all my dreams are gone

nothing turned out

the way I hoped & planned.

Lost in the creative process,

but my patience grows

my tolerance for people

that are different

and things I don't understand

has increased & I have much more

Love in my heart now.

Aggressively meek, getting nowhere

going round in circles, swirling

further & further from the center

the beginning. No way out. Dizzy.

CONQUISTADOR

THE LICK & THE CLAW MARK

You don't do the things you used to do

you don't do any of the things you used to do

you used to call all the time

I couldn't even get out the door

and I lived you for it

It made me feel good

that I thought someone cared that much.

But the tide has turned you called

& came to me out of some desperate need

which you don't seem to have or need anymore

I get a funny feeling we're thru

and that's okay just let me know

let me go

and then I was the one calling

& checking & moaning - showering you

with gifts & love, attention & affection

But it seems you've moved on

leaving me with the desperate need

and I'll wait & try to be patient,

if you are troubled now,

but if you've moved on,

it's okay, as of today I can handle it

just like me know

so I can go

Just let me know

if you are thru with me

cause that's what seems to be

maybe I'm wrong

seems I'm definitely now strong

just let me know

should I go now?

Can I go now

if you are finished

jacking me around

ripping through my emotions

like a chain saw

massacring my feelings

and leaving me feeling

doubtful, lonely, insecure?

You can make me feel wonderful

like anything is possible

and you can make me feel

worthless, all life meaningless

I don't think I can take this ebb & flow

this hot & cold, in fact I think I want to go now.

You showed up in here

and straightened me out

and covered my room

with your decorations

and now you've rolled on

and now I say

wait a minute

that is odd

that glass sticking

through the wall

that isn't right at all.

But you won me

conquistadoress

took me over

reduced me to helpless

servitude

another trophy on your shelf

left to gather dust

Do you feel better now?

I hope so cause I don't.

I'm gone. I don't need the abuse

I'm sure you'll say I abused you,

But I didn't stop loving you.

It was too much

you were always

having to pick me up

and ah ah how

I loved your touch

I guess it's alright

If you're going

cause you're gonna do what you want

I always thank you for the love

and the spirit you gave

And every now & then

there will be a ray of light

and there will be a gleam in my eye

or some lights

that were never there before

and I love you for it

though you care no more.

What is it? What is it? Come back to me.

I'm waiting. Can't you see.

It is a vicious game we play

Back & forth one in control

saying I don't know

while the other lies helpless

hanging in the balance

maybe no one can win from this situation.

But when everything is balanced

oh what a feeling rare & divine

of BROTHER & SISTER

LOVER & FRIEND

DADDY/GIRL & MOTHER/BABY

ENTWINED LIKE TWINS

SYMBIOTIC TWINS.

Whatever you wanted, I said okay

Whatever you thought was right

I quickly agreed

But now you've left me here

out in the desert

But I'd do it again

to get you in

But you & I know

I'd do it again

Cause that's the power you have over me

& probably plenty more

It will take someone stronger

to even the score

You're taking your chances baby

You're playing fast & loose

You rip up my pavement

You unhook my caboose

C D

Tell me what you want from me

cause I got to know

Do you want me to hang around

or should I go

You storm in here baby

rearrange my world

you've got everything now

in a swirl

It seemed like you knew what you were doing

I trusted you in this you really had me going

(VERSE A TO G

CHORUS C TO D 2 or 3X stop

to G turn around C C# D (bridge?)

to A for VERSE or C for chorus)

JUST LET THE STRESS

DROP FROM ME. YES.

AH YES! LET IT GO.

KATHY! THE TRUTH

STARTING TO UNFOLD,

SPREAD OUT OF YOUR

PAINTING "BEAST WITH GUITAR".

TOP CIRCLES PULLING APART

LIKE MOLLUSKS, SNAILS BUT

EARTHEN, FLESH SUBSTANCE

AS IN HGH TECH SPECIAL EFFECT

FILMS. OPENING UP

AS I SAT HERE THINK OF

HEPATITIS MAN I MET

AT TRUCK STOP - SHOWING

ME HOW TO DUMP AT STATION

SPOILED MEAT IN THE FRIDGE

OF HIS RV CAMPER, KEPT TALKING

ABOUT THE MISSUS ON THE BED,

NOT THERE, OPENED ONE CABINET

THAT WAS EMPTY, SAID SEE

THAT'S THE MISSUS (MRS)

MAYBE I CONTRACTED HEPATITIS

WHILE WATCHING AND HELPING HIM

ALL I KNOW IS I'M VERY SICK NOW

5:30 TUES AM APRIL 4, 2006

IT'S COMING BACK... CONTRACTIONS

PAIN IN MY LEGS & ARMS...

"ZINC FEELING IN BOWELS"

"ZINC TASTE IN THE THROAT".

GONNA GET REAL WARM

HOPE I GO TO SLEEP

JUST TOOK AN ASPIRIN

WONDER IF THAT PRODUCES

THE "ZINC" SENSATION.

TO CHRISTINE

THE BRIGHT WHITE MOON

SHINING THROUGH THE BLACK TREES.

WHY ARE YOU MAD AT ME?

I AM DOING EVERYTHING I CAN

TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT

AFTER ALL THE WRONGS I HAVE DONE.

THE MOON BURNS DOWN

ITS CRAZED RAYS UPON ME

I AM UNHINGED, BLAZING

THROUGH THIS WORLD

THIS SOCIETY QUITE MAD

NOT KNOWING ANYTHING ANYMORE.

NOTHING MAKES SENSE

ALL IS A DULL ACHE

OCCASIONALLY I FEEL GREAT

SO WONDERFUL THE SMILE

FEELS LIKE IT WILL BURST

OFF MY FACE, I WANT TO PINCH

MYSELF IN DISBELIEF OF SUCH PLEASURE,

BUT FOR THE MOST PART

LOST, CONFUSED DETACHED

THERE IS THE EYE,

THERE IS THE BRAIN

THERE IS THE WORLD

BUT THE RETINA IS DETACHED

FROM THE BRAIN AND THERE

IS NO COMMUNICATION,

THEY SAY ALL SENSORY INFO

IS AN ILLUSION AND ALBERT

EINSTEIN SAID TIME IS AN ILLUSION

ALBEIT A PERSISTENT ONE

SO I SUPPOSE I SHOULD FEEL OKAY

BUT I WISH YOU WEREN'T MAD AT ME NOW

THINGS ARE HARD ENOUGH AS IT IS

COMPLETELY DISASSOCIATED

ALIENATED, DISJOINTED, DISASSEMBLED,

DISARRAYED, DISENCHANTED, & DISORIENTED.

MY TEETH, MY GUMS ARE BLEEDING CONSTANTLY

MY EYES ARE YELLOW JAUNDICED NOW,

MY FACE PALE, SALLOW, HOLLOW,

MY BRAIN NUMB, NEAR DEAD.

I'M ALWAYS TIRED, PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY.

AND YOU'RE MAD AT ME.

I'M TRULY SORRY FOR WHATEVER

AND ALL I'VE DONE TO HURT YOU.

POEM TO A LOVER

I LOVE YOUR LIPS I LOVE YOUR FINGERTIPS

I LOVE YOUR PAINTED NAILS

I LOVE YOUR SUNSHINE HAIR (YELLOW HAIR)

I LOVE YOUR EYES OF BLUE

LIKE CHANGING SKY BUT TRUE

I LOVE YOUR RUSTIC ROSY CHEEKS

I LOVE YOUR BODY

STRETCHING LIKE A BEACH

I LOVE TO RIDE YOUR OCEANS

I LOVE YOUR FEET

POINTING DOWN THE SAND

I LOVE YOUR PAINTED TOES

I LOVE YOUR TURQUOISE MIND

I LOVE YOUR TANGERINE WORLD

I LOVE YOUR MAGIC CONSTELLATIONS

I LOVE YOUR INNER STELLAR MAGNIFICATIONS

I LOVE YOUR PSYCHEDELIC ATMOSPHERE

I LOVE IT WHEN YOU ARE HERE

SPRING? A POEM

WHY THIS SUDDEN BURST OF ENERGY?

IS IT THE COMING SPRINGTIME?

SHOCKING BLUE SKY, & BIRDS CALLING

CACOPHONOUSLY OF SPRING.

HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL THEY SAY.

A DEEP SENSE OF DOOM & DREAD

LOOMS SPECTER LIKE IN THE RECESSES OF MY MIND.

NO TRUST AT ALL FOR MY MATE.

YEARS OF EXCESS & DECEIT.

IS THIS THE FINAL STRAW?

DON'T CARE ANYMORE. DEEP ANGER.

UNAVOIDABLE. THE YEARS SPENT

ON STAGE, WATCHING HER TURN

& WALK OUT AS WE BEGAN TO PLAY.

SHE WELL KNOWING I WAS OCCUPIED

AND WOULD NOT COME DOWN OFF THAT STAGE.

HER ANTICS ARE AN EMBARRASSMENT TO ME.

BEHIND MY BACK - SLINGING DRUGS

TO SATISFY HER OWN HUNGER, BLOOD LUST

FOR SMOKE - BE IT COCAINE OR SPEED

CHEMICAL HER NEED TO SLOW THINGS DOWN,

FORGET THE PAIN, AND CAN YOU BLAME HER?

WHO DOES NOT WANT TO EASE THE PAIN,

INCREASE JOY, HAPPINESS, FEELING GOOD?

ISN'T THAT WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT?

FEELING GOOD. OTHERWISE

WHO CARES? WHY BOTHER?

IS TO LIVE THROUGH OUR PAIN

THE PURPOSE OF LIFE?

EMERGING ON THE OTHER SIDE

WITH A SMUG SENSE OF WELL BEING?

OR CARPE DIEM, LIVE FOR TODAY,

"NOW", FORGET ABOUT TOMORROW,

MAINTAIN AND DRAIN

EVERY DROP OF JOY & FUN

& FEELING GOOD FROM EACH

MOMENT OF TODAY -

FORGET ABOUT THE FUTURE

DEAL WITH THAT AS IT COMES UP.

WHEN THE SUN RISES

IT'S A NEW DAY JOSE, SO OLAY!

THE EARTH ROLLS &

THE SUN COMES UP

OVER THE HORIZON

OVER AFGHANISTAN,

DEAL WITH THAT,

DEAL WITH THIS

THIS AND THAT

ARE REALITY.

PLEASURE, FUN,

RECKLESS ABANDON,

WHATEVER IT TAKES.

FUNNY THING IS I AGREE WITH HER.

BUT SEARCH FOR IMMEDIATE GRATIFICATION

ONLY LEADS TO MORE & MORE NEEDED TO

SATISFY THE NEED, THE CRAVING, THE SATISFACTION.

WHAT IS LIFE ALL ABOUT?

SEEING THE WORLD? WILD PARTIES?

SEX? POSSESSIONS? WEALTH?

CARS & STARS & PLANES & FAME?

MORE MORE MORE TO SATISFY

THE NEED TO OBTAIN THE HIGH.

THERE IS ONE THING THAT ALL WOMEN WANT.

THERE IS ONE THING THAT ALL MEN WANT.

AND WHAT THEY WANT IS THE SAME THING:

MORE.

THE BUDS SHOOT FORTH ABUNDANTLY

ON THE TREES, FIRST YELLOW DAFFODILS APPEAR,

THE BIRDS BEGIN TO MAKE SUCH A RACKET.

WHAT IS HAPPINESS? A SENSE OF WELL BEING.

MUFFLED SHOTS SOUND IN A NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE.

THE MORTGAGE BROKER SHOOTS HIS WIFE.

LET IT FLOW LET IT FLOW

LET IT GO LET IT GO

YOU WILL FEEL SO MUCH BETTER

IF YOU LET IT GO

LET THE LOVE ENTER

AND FLOW THROUGH YOU

NOT THE HATE

LET THE LOVE FLOW

AND IT WON'T MATTER

WHERE YOU GO

OR WHAT HAPPENS

YOU WILL FEEL THE LOVE

AND THE LOVE WILL CARRY YOU

THE LOVE WITH CARRY YOU THROUGH

YOU WILL BE LIFTED ON THE FLOWING CURRENTS

OF LOVE TO PLACES AND FEELINGS AND MIND STATES

BEYOND DESIRE BEYOND WHAT WE KNOW

FLOATING FREE FALLING INTO UNIVERSAL LOVE

AND SPACE BEYOND ALL THAT IS KNOWN

AND ALL THAT IS UNKNOWN

BEYOND FEELING AND THOUGHT AND DESIRE

BEYOND INTUITION AND INSIGHT

WHERE LOVE GOES, WHERE LOVE FLOWS

Tired

All I would say

would be negative,

the world is horrible,

I don't want to live.

Depression.

A train strains

from its load

in the distance

I love this town

it is my home...

I hope I can stay

here for a long time,

but if not oh well,

I'll go elsewhere

in the same spirit,

same mindset.

To write

is what sustains me.

It alone gives me joy.

All the people I love

give me happiness.

As long as I write,

I feel and show love

to everyone,

and to all things.

Thoth, my Avatar,

the Egyptian god

of writing.

That is what

nourishes me,

centers me.

Reading,

and Writing.

Arithmetic is cool too.

It gives me food.

Just very basic,

rudimentary skills.

That's all I have.

(No wonder I'm so poor.)

Rich inside,

but poor in the pocket.

10/5/06

Soooo much has happened!

Actually conversing in notes

with real genuine people on myspace

Awesome site.

My "friends" include

Earth, Utopia, Henry David Thoreau,

Tippi Hedrin, Lao Tzu,

writer of the great Tao Te Ching,

so many more and many

real living people,

artists and great musicians.

I love mySpace.com.

I have been working on the website

for one or two months now.

Awesome progress.

Editing writing.

Buying the iLife program

from the Apple store

has been great,

the iWeb program

has allowed me to create

the web pages I wanted to make.

It has been a great and rewarding process.

I feel very very lucky.

Very lucky to know Steve and Clarisse.

They are very broad minded people.

Very lucky to have this life,

to have this opportunity

to communicate with words,

to have the peace of mind

to build this website,

my mother likes

tadamhill.com

prefers that over

thomasadamhill...

oh well.

Johnny M also

likes

T Adam Hill

Stephanie

wants to come down

and live with me.

Laid down the rules:

No one allowed over here,

due to the open communal nature

of this house,

trust is most important.

Respect other people

and their belongings.

Do not take or use anything

of anybody's.

Rather you don't smoke

your "sticky ichy",

but if you have to,

do it outside, on the "porch",

discreetly.

Same with cigarettes.

It has been 11 months

since I smoked,

and I want to keep it that way.

No drama around here.

No loud bullshit.

Must get along

with the other people

in this house.

If you don't get along

with them,

stay out of their way,

they were here first.

You are here

only as my guest.

Do not do anything

stupid around here.

No "friends"

around here

whether I am here or not.

That is absolute.

Must grow up.

Be a mature young lady.

No room for fucking up,

cause you will be gone.

That's the rules.

Don't know if this is a good idea

or not,

would be better

if I had my "own" place...

I just don't know

if Stephanie can interface

with the other people well.

Valley of the Dolls

Playing in a club,

kicking out the jams,

watching people dance,

uh oh, I know I know her

but I can't tell who it is.

When we stop playing

I see her up close,

it's Shannon.

It's been a while,

she disappeared into the action

had to have action,

slinging 40s

coke, speed

only 20 years old,

when they would stop buying

she would give it away

just to keep it going.

Saved me once,

spent time with me

gave me GBH

and made me make love to her,

saying afterwards,

you needed that.

Back when Christine

was gone to la la land

with her heroin

and living across town

and Debbie

was back in New York

with some dope dealing boyfriend,

and I was down her playing my music

and drifting and hanging out.

Shannon White.

Pretty blonde with blue eyes.

She'd come up on stage

and pull her jeans down

and let J J

sign her ass,

and a beautiful white ass

it was,

wild pure wild,

we hung out together for a while.

I heard she was in jail.

Then I heard she died.

Fortunately she survived.

Unless this was a ghost angel

in this club.

I still had that instinctive pull to her,

but she was a wild creature,

meant to stay that way,

would always be that way,

and that was okay,

she was created

to run wild.

She asked about "Crazy".

I said he was gone.

Ron knew she was

a wild one.

He said that about Sonya too.

"She is a free spirit.

She is meant to run free.

You are not supposed to try and tame her.

You have to let her go and run free.

That is what she is meant to be.

I saw her later that night

with Todd

another wild child,

and I knew she was way down

the cosmic line,

chasing some dream

full tilt as always

maxing out everything,

and I still love her

no matter what.

Juli was the same way

Older than Shannon.

With lace and blue jeans

and freckles and blue eyes

petite, and laughing,

and sometimes on the verge of crying...

and I love her,

but I know she is gone,

into the mystic,

out there

way beyond me,

kissing away

her tears

salty

but soft receptive lips

lost in her methamphetamine,

gone to speed...

all those girls & women,

crazy mary, maggie,

shannon, lynn,

patricia,

gone seriously gone,

smiling all the way

tripped out in space

swooping down

into the

valley of the dolls

up, down

all around,

soma

all and more,

zipping on the drugs.

Can't say I blame them.

More power to them.

I love their strength.

Their trust in life.

In the moment.

In this culture.

Their faith in pharmeceuticals,

their unwavering commitment

to happiness and feel good chemicals.

But it is cool when they find somebody

that lets them be themselves.

Patricia got with

Dr. Lee

who used to come up to the stage

while we were playing

and hurl handfuls of

pills at us.

It was rough

and tumble

playing there

for 5 years

everybody

in the club

either

buying

or selling

I survived

I guess.

Feeling

spaced out,

wacked out now,

I guess just thinking

about all those people

how naive i was

how naive i am

high on memories

high on life

high on meditation

high on now

high on you

high on me

high on everything

high on space

high on earth

high on universe

high on oceans

high on forests

high on deserts

high on mountains

high on roads

high on houses

high on you

high on love

high on you

high on love

Listening to Rabindra Goswami

Sitar so hypnotic to the core of the being.

All is good

All is good in the world

All is good

with Debbie

All is good

with Christine

All is good

with "lil mama"

Stephanie

I just realized

what it is that we

all love about my Mother.

She has inner peace.

A deep mystical quiet,

an understanding

and acceptance,

a love so great for all of us

and for all things...

And now I am beginning

to understand myself...

she patiently watched

and waited all these years

to see me reach this state...

and now I sometimes

feel when I'm talking to her

to finally understand her state,

this magnificent moment

sense beyond sense

comprehension and understanding

of all, infinite love

never changing and always changing

but never disappearing, always there.

This I am only beginning to understand,

to feel, to experience.

And she has waited patiently

and with utmost loving kindness

all these years for us to understand this.

As we pace around in our own

self made rooms of discontent and blindness,

lost in our thoughts, our daily lives and struggles,

not stopping, incapable of seeing

what she knows and has always known

but never insisted on telling,

letting us discover it

and embrace it on our own,

this overwhelming sense of love,

belonging, concern, caring,

oneness with all.

I have had many gurus

in my life.

My Father.

My Mother.

jim garner.

steve jones.

glen wilson.

joel warren.

earl traczyk.

nina costanza.

christine meister.

chris abery.

mark bromberg.

debbie hess.

my sisters.

chris and donna alley.

steve and clarisse allgood.

rabindra goswami.

john housley.

stephanie ryan.

there are many others

i have failed to mention here.

I am lost.

I have always been lost.

Trying to find the way.

Trying to find the truth.

It has been here all the time.

I was looking everywhere else.

It was here.

In me. In you. Here. Now.

I just had to have the drama.

Had to just look everywhere,

search and quest, and

make great adventures

to try and discover it...

and it was right here all along...

i just had to subdue the mind...

forget the self

forget things

forget this spacial reality

and here it is...

so wonderful

so joyous

i cry tears of joy

tears of joy!

no joke.

It's just absolutely amazing

I wish i could share it with you.

I wish i could hand it to you.

It is shining there,

a magnificent glowing orb.

Energy of the universe

in a symbol.

Flowing through the symbol,

the shining sphere,

flowing through you,

flowing through me...

the tablas begin

joining the sitar...

we are mesmerized

gone,

gone

beyond,

now

one

with

the

energy

universe

floating

merging

and

part

inseparable

all

are

in spite

our

differences

bodies

wrapped

and

bound

by space

and time,

free to go

now

to join

with all

all that is

and all that we are

all that you are

and all that i am

thank you.

To Late Night Harp Girl

"Shall we dance?

Your strings transport me,

Your eyes cavort with me,

by moonlight through

the blackened trees,

let me be with thee."

Sitting in the sun reading the Tao Te Ching,

a butterfly lands on my finger!

Talking to my Daughter on the phone

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"Nothing," she says.

"Where are you?"

"Nowhere."

"Who are you with?"

"Nobody."

"Okay, so you are

nowhere, doing nothing,

with nobody.

I know you are up to something."

We both laugh.

Ode to The Late Night Harp Girl

Dispatched to Oceans,

Dispatched to Skies,

my emotions run awry

searching

for the Late Night Harp Girl

with Celtic Harp Ethereal.

Cars gliding down streets

at night,

my thoughts riding

searching for

the late night harp girl.

Where can she be?

Mystic visions of what could be,

Mystic visions of what is,

Leaves blowing in the magic wind

of strings arpeggiated

by the late night harp girl,

leaves blown across space and time

making all one and all together,

and together we are as one.

I LOVE YOUR LIPS I LOVE YOUR FINGERTIPS

I LOVE YOUR PAINTED NAILS

I LOVE YOUR SUNSHINE HAIR (YELLOW HAIR)

I LOVE YOUR EYES OF BLUE

LIKE CHANGING SKY BUT TRUE

I LOVE YOUR RUSTIC ROSY CHEEKS

I LOVE YOUR BODY

STRETCHING LIKE A BEACH

I LOVE TO RIDE YOUR OCEANS

I LOVE YOUR FEET

POINTING DOWN THE SAND

I LOVE YOUR PAINTED TOES

I LOVE YOUR TURQUOISE MIND

I LOVE YOUR TANGERINE WORLD

I LOVE YOUR MAGIC CONSTELLATIONS

I LOVE YOUR INNER STELLAR MAGNIFICATIONS

I LOVE YOUR PSYCHEDELIC ATMOSPHERE

I LOVE IT WHEN YOU ARE HERE

I FEEL THE MAGIC COMING

All day I have felt terrible,

frankly suicidal,

thinking I'm so depressed

I'll should just kill myself,

nothing to live for anymore...

but still holding in there,

getting that old toughness

inside when I need,

that fuck it attitude,

and it is a good thing

to have in moments like these...

Now

listening

to Rabindra Goswami,

the Sitar playing on magically,

It is Diwali,

Festival of Lights in India...

I again sense wonderment,

a going on,

a continuation, a growing,

a going, movement into newness...

with what, with whom, and where,

I have no idea,

but I sense it,

sense the possibilities,

tears coming to my eyes,

missing my love.

Forgiveness,

Yes I can forgive,

I forgive everything.

The cat and dog

curled up and sleeping

beside each other

on the sofa.

I write poetry,

cruise mySpace.com

review my writing website...

... and the Sitar winds on,

magic, incandescent,

incendiary essence

of incense,

and beauty

and sensuality

of rarefied and pure love,

love manifested in this world,

but of another world,

a crossing over,

a joining of worlds,

worlds within worlds.

A need to let go,

and sojourn with nothingness.

Dwell in the realm

of nothing,

from which all things

are born,

and spring forth,

created in joy

and in a festival of lights

and a myriad of colors.

That is what you know

when you feel true love.

10/21/06

Mystical revelations

jaunts beyond,

a going forth,

the tight mandala

weave of magic carpet

psychotropic

tropics

where the toucan calls

your name echoing

wondering who you are

and then not caring anymore

having gone beyond

weave of carpet

persia,

stained glass mandala,

unreal suns,

unreal oceans,

dreamlike mystical visions,

far beyond our imaginings

to dwell and commune

with the all

magnificence beyond belief

hypnotic denizens

of the surreal desert

mojave, sahara,

existing there

but somehow detached,

knowing all,

feeling all,

but knowing nothing,

feeling nothing.

Where am I?

You may ask. I may ask.

Here.

A smile appears.

It is that simple.

A shout

comes out

from within,

strong again,

ready to live.

Live Life.

Live this Life

and penetrate the Worlds

beyond this Life.

They do exist.

When I am gone,

You will continue on,

or when you are gone,

I will continue on.

That is proof

of Worlds

beyond this Life.

But this Life

so rich, so magnificent,

fruits and blossoms,

monkeys swinging in trees,

dogs wandering about happily and lazily.

I sit under a tree.

Thinking.

Music drifts in the air.

Worlds Within Worlds Merging!

All as One!

All life forms,

all thoughts, desires,

all okay,

no matter how perverse,

Love,

Transcendent Love.

I burst with tears of joy.

The staggering immensity!

The voluminous waves!

The simplicity and beauty

in each leaf,

each being,

each grain of sand.

All as One.

All in One.

And so it is.

It has come to pass.

And so it is

that the Sacred Feminine

and I have gone our own ways.

Very sad.

But it like all things is okay.

Things must change,

move on.

We will come together again.

She is off exploring her worlds,

and I am exploring mine.

The love is still there...

but now we are elsewhere,

doing other things.

That is the way Life is,

it constantly changes,

we are reborn second by second

in the flux and flow,

like the water,

like the river

heraclitus said,

you can't step twice in the same river...

flowing on

change, yes change

is good.

I bid the Sacred Feminine 'adieu',

kiss her on the forehead,

my love will always stay with her,

we will meet again.

The Sacred Feminine

is leaving.

She has gone.

I am now free to go.

Free from the spell.

I will always love her,

but I am free to go.

Like a beautiful misty

mystical cloud her presence

has moved on.

Oh the Grieving!

The Sadness!

But it is best.

Yes this I know.

It could not be.

Better for us to part,

it would never work between us.

Let it remain a mental construct.

A possibility.

One we did not pursue.

It is best.

In is in keeping

with the nature of things.

With the natural order of things.

Let Life drift the way Life drifts.

Let the Oceans flow in!

Let the Tides ebb and flow.

Let the mountains

do what they do.

Stand or crumble.

All things will pass.

remember this.

All things will pass.

And now.

Here we are.

Here I am.

Crescendo

Ecstasy

Sitar and Tabla

in meditative

spiritual, mental

unity,

centering,

enveloping,

mental,

sensual,

organic,

combined,

ONE.

Seeing the light, to go beyond desires

and cravings of the flesh,

to true caring, concern & loving for others

To forget, put aside all of "my" wants

and needs, in order to see & grow

& learn about people

& new things.

Mystical Incantation & Revelation of Pure Love

TRUE LOVE,

beyond physical love,

beyond the strong desire

to satisfy our cravings -

to reach the ultimate

ethereal, spiritual, emotional, mental

state of pure love,

acceptance of ourselves

(myself, of other people)

of the world of ideas & realities

existences sensed & imagined & known

& felt first hand, to truly care,

& LOVE.

There she is shining as such,

THE SACRED FEMININE,

her beautiful countenance, her face waxing to

full glow, her sanguine tresses curling flow,

red hair & calm loving eyes watching all -

seeing all with an inward gaze,

shining down, glowing on me,

on the world, and all I see,

like the sun.

Like the sun

she is

strong, powerful, warm.

For me to see and to know this

has been my journey, my adventure,

out of the darkness and into the light.

Still standing on this earth,

planted in reality if you will,

but with my mind washed,

floating in the flowing of the universe,

the Chi, bobbing downstream

in the current of the energy of the universe.

She represents the love,

this love that is everywhere,

in all things, in us,

everywhere and nowhere.

Useless and of greatest value & importance,

the All.

She is All.

The All

that includes Darkness & Light.

Fruit, Flowers, Thorns & War.

Bloodshed, Wrath, Kisses & Peace.

The soft suppleness of a baby

& the stiff brittle dried wrinkled flesh

of seventy plus years of living on this planet

as a person, human being...

Containing all

& having nothing, being nothing,

being all,

empty & full -

ALL - ALL!

Inconceivable, impossible to know, comprehend...

and yet the clearest first truth

in a baby's consciousness.

I beseech you,

my main problem please remove!

The streak of negativity I bring to the table,

presupposed, predetermined, prejudicial

Okay, so what have I learned?

To be still, to be calm,

to feel peace, that I have learned

from the tranquil calico cat, Flame.

To trust the instincts I have

learned from the dog.

From the Moss I have learned Serenity.

From the Rolling Stone I have learned

cleanliness & simplicity.

From the smooth pebble in the stream

I have learned the beautiful power of stillness,

the beautifying power of steadfastness -

to just be in the stream

and allow the water to flow over you, over me.

I have learned from the leaf

birth & growth, greening & drying,

browning & dying & returning to soil,

and recomposition, becoming something else...

myriad existences, life upon life,

life upon death, upon life -

possibly infinite.

EVERY ENDING, A BEGINNING.

EVERY BEGINNING, AN ENDING.

"Indefinable sadness, & spectacular joy."

(Undefined sadness & magnificient joy,

all at once.)

From the bird I learn to sing,

for all the instinctual reasons a bird sings,

and for the fact that is in the bird's nature

as it is in ours to sing.

I learned from the sky to be vast and wide.

I learned from the earth how to be round and roll on.

To be firm & in constant motion,

change, flux, permanence, softness & hardness,

horrible destruction, catastrophic force

& unyielding grace, love & forbearance...

and forgiveness

transforming coming back with new growth...

forever renewing, always hope -

as long as I can see beyond

my own petty wants & needs & desires,

always hope...

I have learned from the fly

to buzz by & keep going,

and to study a thing with a thousand eyes,

multiples, the mathematics of it all, a thousand

thoughts and perspectives

in order to truly understand and comprehend.

Though I am poor with numbers,

let me count sometime

It's all positive,

even the negative is positive.

ALL

ONE.